Little Toy Guns
by Marchitayska
Summary: A case hits far too close to home for Rollins. How will she handle it? Can Olivia stop her going into the downward spiral that she would usually face? Rolivia. Definitely covers mature content so please take care when reading. Hit review please! X
1. Chapter 1

This is my first SVU fic, so please be nice. I usually write Grey's stories but, this has been in my head a little while and I felt the need to just get it out there.

The title is a Carrie Underwood song, hopefully the choice will make sense as the story progresses.

I'm not inclined, just yet, to put any warnings regarding content in since I don't want to spoil the idea of the story, just be aware of your own limits when reading. PLEASE! I won't be offended if people need to skip parts or stop reading altogether, we have all had to do it.

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Rollins POV

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I can hear the shrill of my cell somewhere in the room. Last night was a rough night. After a particularly difficult case that we finally closed yesterday, I needed to unwind. Finding myself in the bar, just around the corner from my apartment. I have little memory of what time I left, or just how much I drank, but I'd say from the pounding in my head right now, it was more than enough.

Groaning, I roll off the edge of my bed, noticing I didn't even remove yesterday's clothes when I arrived home. After much pushing around of dirty laundry, I eventually find my cell. Looking at the caller ID, I sigh, before answering in the usual official manner.

"Rollins." I mutter, trying to hide the raging hangover that is currently consuming me.

"We caught a case. All hands on deck." Comes the stoic voice of my superior through the handset.

"What's the address, Lieutenant?" I ask, trying to keep the volume low.

"17 West 17th street." Benson tells me, hanging up without any further conversation.

Benson has been hard on me from day one of my time in the unit. I don't know exactly why, maybe it's because she sees me as the replacement for her long term partner. I doubt I'll ever really know since she's possibly the most closed off and private human being I have ever met. She is all about the victims and the cases. I mean, I get it, she's been doing it a long time and I see how a certain amount of a person's private life would need to be shut away from the job, but she seems completely shut down. I admire her, I have no idea how she does it. I finish every day, every single day, wanted to drink myself into oblivion, or gamble away the hell that is the cases we deal with. Every morning is a struggle. And just when you think you've seen it all, something else comes along that's even more heinous than the last case.

I quickly grab a shower and dress ready for another undoubtedly long day. Being sure to douse myself in perfume and brush my teeth, desperately trying to hide the stench of stale alcohol from last night. I grab a croissant from the cupboard and head out the door, making my way as quickly as possible to the address lieutenant Benson had given me twenty minutes earlier.

Pulling up at the address I was given, I abandon the car and head towards the door with a uniform stood outside of it. Flashing him my badge as I enter the building. Momentarily coming face to face with my superior officer, lieutenant Olivia Benson.

"Could you have taken any longer Rollins?" She barks at me, causing me to squint as pain shoots through my head.

"Sorry." I mutter. Choosing not to say anything else since Benson is clearly already in a bad mood.

"Patrol received a call from a local school this morning, a fourteen year old girl opened up to a teacher, saying her stepfather was sexually abusing her. But we need to be careful here, her mother has lung cancer, she's hospitalised, and the victim has a younger brother and sister. Ten and eleven years old." Benson fills me in.

The more she says, the more this feels familiar. I can feel the blood draining from my features, suddenly feeling sick to my stomach. I'm not sure if that's due to the case or the excessive alcohol consumption. A sudden urge to vomit overwhelms me as I run out to the front garden. The alcohol filled contents of my stomach making a reappearance all over he family's front lawn.

This is all too familiar.

"Rollins, you ok?" Benson asks me, no hint of caring in her completely flat tone.

"Yeah." I respond nodding my head cautiously.

"How much did you drink last night?" My boss asks me, her eyebrow raised. I can instantly feel my cheeks flushing. I don't want, or need the million and one questions about how much and how often I drink.

Instead of answering her, I just shrug. Purposely avoiding meeting her gaze. I know the look I'll see if I do. Disappointment, it's always disappointment.

"Get yourself cleaned up." She tells me, turning to walk away, stopping just short of the door. "And Rollins, maybe try some mouthwash?" She says causing me to meet her gaze, the slightest hint of amusement on her lips. An expression I've never seen her wear being.

"Will do lieutenant." I respond, giving her a grimace more than a smile since I'm honestly mortified right now.

The rest of the day is a blur, the case hits a dead end since the victim won't or can't talk about what's happened to her. That and she's angry that her teacher called SVU. We sit around doing paperwork and mulling over ways to nail the sick son of a bitch that's been putting his stepdaughter through hell for the last however long. No one really engaging with anyone else.

I stare at my pile of paperwork, not really concentrating on what's going on around me. I can't take my mind off of that girl. It brings back so many memories, it hits too close to home.

 _18 years earlier_

 _My brother, my sister and I, we are sat in the living room. Sharing two arm chairs between the three of us. Me occupying one, my siblings the other since they're younger and smaller. My mother and stepfather sat on the sofa. They'd called us down from our respective bedrooms, apparently there was a family meeting. Now, the five of us sit in silence waiting for one of the adults to explain what's going on. Some crappy game show playing on the TV with the sound turned off. But I'm watching it all the same._

 _I'm old enough to be aware of what's been going on, to understand even. Doctors appointments, hospital visits. The secrecy. The obvious sickness riddling my mother's body. I didn't know what it was, but I understood it was bad. I knew just how bad it was that day._

 _"I have lung cancer." My mother finally says. Her voice wavering as she speaks the words. My stepfather flinching at the words erupting from her mouth._

 _I sit there, quietly, numb even. At a loss for words. My brother and sister, they're ten and eleven, but they're smart kids. They know how bad this is as well, both of them breaking down into tears, holding onto each other for dear life as my mother beckons them to her._

 _There's no words, I sit in silence, my gaze staring blankly at the TV flickering. Without saying a word, I stand and head back to my room, putting my headphone in and blocking out the rest of the world. Maybe she'll be ok, maybe she can fight it. Maybe she won't, maybe she can't._

"Rollins." Olivia calling my name pulls me from my flash back with a startle.

"Yes boss." I respond, trying to hide the obvious withdrawal as I answer her.

"My office." She says sternly. My eyes instantly rolling and my shoulders slumping.

There's no doubt in my mind, lieutenant Benson is probably about to suspend me for showing up at a victim's home somewhat intoxicated from the night before. Not to mention I was almost definitely still over the limit when I get behind the wheel of my car this morning.

Entering Olivia's office, I stand there, waiting for the bollocking I know is coming.

"Close the door." She says firmly. I close the door as I've just been told to do, returning to my position in front of her desk, not bothering to sit since this is going to be an ear bashing.

Minutes of silence pass by, the lieutenant scribbling on the paperwork in front of her whilst I just stand and wait for the onslaught.

"Rollins, you're putting me in a really difficult position. You show up still half drunk, you're late, you're reckless. You're lucky we're so short staffed right now, otherwise I would have suspended you already." She tells me, I say nothing, not wanting to anger my commanding officer any further.

"Do you have anything to say for yourself?" She finally puts down her pen, her intense brown eyes meeting mine. I just shake my head.

I want to apologise, but honestly, I don't think Sorry is going to cut it right now. Nothing I have to say right now will ever be enough.

"You're dismissed. It's 6pm, go home." She tells me, I give her a sharp nod and exit her office, grabbing my coat and leave the precinct as quickly as possible.

After a day like that, I just want to be alone. Drunk and alone. Making a quick stop at the liquor store on the way home, I pick up a bottle of whiskey and jump back in the car. Driving the all too familiar route back to my apartment.

As I walk through my apartment door, I don't even bother with a glass for the whiskey, the bottle open and to my lips before my front door is even closed. The amber liquid hitting the back of my throat and warming my insides. I take another couple of swigs from the bottle, my back lent against my front door.

My mind wanders back to that day, the day that everything changed. The day we all found out about my mothers cancer. Sliding down my front door, I sit on the floor, my head resting against the cold wood as I relive that day, over and over again. Drinking from the bottle. The occasional overwhelming thought of our victim creeping in as well. Until I pass out, drunk, again.

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Let me know what you thought of chapter one please. I can tell you now, this story won't be a walk in the park to read. It will be raw and sometimes hard to stomach but I hope people will enjoy the story telling and review please! x


	2. Chapter 2

So, I'm not going to lie, I'm already a little hooked to updating this story and I've only written the first chapter...

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Rollins POV

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For the second morning in a row, I'm rudely dragged from my slumber. The pounding of the door, that I am slouched against, rudely awakening me. A very nearly empty bottle of whiskey led down on the floor beside me. It takes me a minute to rouse myself enough to even contemplate moving.

Ignoring the door, I glance at the clock on the wall. Shit, shit, shit, it's already 10.30am. I'm exceptionally late. Pulling my cell out of my pocket quickly, I notice the battery is dead. Shit. I quickly stand, checking the spy hole on the door. Shit. Olivia.

It's too late to hope she'll just leave. Especially if she's been trying to call me since god knows what time. I rest my head against the cold wood door for a second. Trying to think, the pounding in my head making that nye on impossible.

Olivia bangs on the door again. The knocking causing the door to vibrate through my already painful skull.

"Alright, Alright." I say, mostly to myself since I'm in a situation I can't even explain my way out of right now.

I open the door, and turn my back towards the entrance before heading to the kitchen for water. I don't even bother to greet my boss. She's probably going to fire me on the spot, so there's no point even trying. I turn the faucet on and run it for a second, grabbing a glass off the side. I fill it up and down the water, instantly regretting the speed at which I have drank it as my stomach begins to churn.

Leaning slightly over the kitchen sink, I half expect Olivia to have started shouting by now, but she hasn't said a word since I opened the door. I take a shaky breath.

"Say whatever you came to say." I tell her quietly, as I feel her gaze on me from the kitchen door.

"What can I even say Amanda?" She responds. The use of my first name isn't lost on me. I think it's the first time I've ever heard it escape her lips.

"If you're going to fire me, just do it lieutenant." I fire back, the bitterness evident in my tone.

"Is that what you want?" She answers, Olivia's tone softer than it's ever been when she's talking to me. The kindness catching me off guard as I turn to look at her.

"Why are you even here?" I ask after a few moments of silence, choosing to ignore her question about whether I want to lose my job or not.

"Because your phone kept going straight to voicemail." She tells me. I pull my cell from my pocket and launch it towards her. She catches it, takes one look at it and rolls her eyes before placing it down on the kitchen side.

"Battery died." I say noncommittally with a shrug.

"And the not calling the precinct? Was that because your cell is dead or because you were passed out drunk?" The question surprises me.

"Both?" I answer, causing her eyebrow to raise as I shrug. There's no point in me lying. She almost definitely stepped over the nearly empty bottle from last night on her way through the front door.

A silence settles between us again. I turn back to the sink, filling my glass with water again, drinking it slower this time. Thinking about the crappy situation I once again find myself in.

"What's going on Amanda?" My lieutenant finally asks me. Her body now alongside mine at the kitchen sink.

"Nothing." I state bluntly. I don't want to talk about it, I never want to talk about it.

"Ok, well, go shower. I need your help." She tells me, her tone infinitely softer than usual.

I nod sharply and leave the room, heading to the bathroom to shower before I have to endure a day with my boss who happens to hate me and think I am incompetent. This should be fun. I don't rush with my shower, waves of nausea washing over my body regularly. I lose myself in the warm water.

 _Banging on the bathroom door. I'm having a bath, I know I've been in here a long time, but locking myself in the bathroom is the only way I have of escaping the hell that lives within my house._

 _My stepfather is banging on the bathroom door. I ignore him. Dropping my head below the water line, the liquid muffling the sound ever so slightly._

 _Raising my head back out of the water, I finally respond to him. If I don't, I know he'll never go away._

 _"What?" I shout, my tone one filled with annoyance, even for a twelve year old._

 _"Hurry up." He shouts back, and a few seconds later I hear him head back downstairs. I release a shaky breath. One of relief._

 _I pick up the razor from the side of the bath, beginning to shave my legs. Anything to prolong the time within this locked room. I knock the skin on my ankle, the sharp metal of the razor causing the skin to tear and bleed quite rapidly for a tiny cut._

 _Something in me changed that day. Something big._

I quickly finish in the shower, unable to stand the water any longer. Within a few minutes, I've brushed my teeth, ran a comb through my blonde locks and I'm dressed, standing back in my living room. My living room that looks substantially cleaner than when I left it for a shower.

"You didn't have to do that." I say, completely embarrassed that my boss seems to have cleaned up my mess, once again.

"I don't mind. It was better than standing around waiting. Are you ready now?" Olivia asks me, compassion and honesty filling her tone. I just nod, grabbing my keys and my cell that is now partially charged thanks to the lieutenant.

"Where are we going?" I ask once we are settled in her car.

"To see the victim from yesterday." She tells me, and I suddenly wish I could have just stayed passed out on my living room floor. Great. This is going to be a fun day.

"Why? Has something changed?" I ask cautiously.

"No, I just want to try and convince her again to talk to us. She deserves that chance. A chance to tell her story." Olivia tells me and I know she's right, but why does it have to be this case, this victim? And why me?

"Why me? Why not Fin or Carisi?" I ask, my voice clearly showing my exasperation.

"Because they're men, and you aren't. You know how this works Rollins. She's just a kid, she's a little girl, that's been terrorised by a man. She is never going to open up to one of the guys. You know this." She tells me.

"I know, I know." I respond, taking myself to looking back out of the window.

 _I'm sat in the passenger seat of my stepfathers car, we are driving through country lanes. Heading home, whilst I stare out of the window. Obviously averting my gaze from him. Suddenly I feel his hand on my thigh._

 _Typically I have a skirt on, of course I would. His hand slides up the inside of my thigh, coming into contact with my panties below my skirt._

 _His fingers brushing against my most intimate area._

I feel like I'm going to be sick. Opening the car door, I lean out quickly and empty the contents of my stomach into the road. It's then that I suddenly realising I'm not even in my stepfathers car, but Olivia's. I can't tell if she's pissed off or worried, her expression is really hard to read right now.

Olivia hands me a bottle of water from her bag, allowing me to swill my mouth out. The sentiment greatly appreciated.

"Rollins, that's twice in two days." Olivia stated flatly. I'm not sure what she wants me to say about it so I just shrug at her, before training my gaze back out of the window.

Shortly, we arrive at the house of the young victim we need to speak to. Olivia leads the way, I hang back, not even really wanting to be here as it is. But I put on a brave face, I do my job. Somehow I need to try and prove I'm not a complete fuck up, not matter how much I am.

A few seconds after Olivia knocks the door, a young girl opens it.

"Hi Elena. I'm Olivia, we met yesterday, do you remember? Is your mommy home?" My lieutenant speaks softly to the young girl who nods, then allows us in the house.

We follow her into the living room, where her mother is lead on the sofa, looking a lot worse than either of us expected. Olivia and I share a look.

"What are you doing here?" Elena's mother asks, her voice hoarse, her breathing shallow as if she can't catch her breath.

"We can't to see if we could talk to Elena again." I say trying to keep my voice devoid of any anger.

"Why do you want to talk to her? She said she didn't say those things." The girl's mother begins to get angry and we are left with no choice but to leave. She's extremely sick and if Elena won't talk, there isn't much we can do at this point.

We leave without saying another word. I hand a card to Elena just before she shuts the door behind us, telling her she can call me anytime.

The ride back to the precinct is quiet. My mind is occupied with that poor girl. Olivia doesn't say anything. She just leaves me to my own thoughts.

It isn't until hours later, when I'm sat at my desk and rubbing my temples due to the pounding headache I have that Olivia interacts with me again.

"Rollins, my office." She says from her office doorway.

I sigh before standing. Here we go again.

I enter her office and she closes the door behind me this time before telling me to sit down on the couch. I do at a I'm told. Too exhausted to argue right now.

I head my lieutenant moving around but keep my gaze on the floor. Not entirely ready for the ass kicking that I expect is coming.

Feeling Olivia sit down next to me, I finally stop looking at the floor to look at the woman beside me. She hands me a bottle of water and two Tylenol. She doesn't say a word, just waits for me to take the pills with the water. I sit for a minute, waiting for the other shoe to drop, but it doesn't. The silence continues.

"Why are you being so nice? All I've done lately is cause you hassle." I eventually ask when the quiet becomes too deafening.

"You're clearly not ready to talk about whatever is going on. But I'm your boss, you're part of this team. I care about you Amanda, we all do. I was out of line yesterday, you don't need tough love at the moment and I see that now. I just want you to know, we are all here for you, whatever it is, whenever you're ready to open up." She tells me, her hand gently stroking my back.

Her words catch me completely by surprise. This is a stark contrast to yesterday. I'm not sure what has changed but I appreciate it all the same.

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Hit review please guys. I hope people aren't finding this too hard to read. Please look after yourselves and don't read anything which may cause you pain. Thanks x


	3. Chapter 3

I just want to quickly apologise for the glaring mistakes in the last chapter, whilst it's inexcusable, it was late, I was tired and I was writing on my phone. But, I'm so drawn to writing this story at the moment that regardless of the time of day I'm thinking about it or working on it. I'm already seriously overwhelmed with the love people are showing for this…. Keep it coming!

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Benson's POV

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I don't think I realised until today, just how much pain there is built up inside of Rollins. I always just assumed she was a royal pain in the ass for the sake of being a pain in my ass, but when I arrived at her house this morning, the defeat was crystal clear in her bright blue eyes. I saw it. I mean, I really saw it, for the first time. The pain, the raging war within her. Maybe I haven't paid enough attention to her in the past, god knows I've been pretty wrapped up in case, after case, after case lately. I am all too aware that I've been hard on Rollins since day one, she replaced Elliot, and when he left, a piece of me went with him. He was my partner for so long, it's hard to just accept that could be replaced overnight, so yeah, I took my frustration out on the newest detective. I realise now, that wasn't fair, and not just because I see the pain and anguish she is struggling with. I realise it because, the older I'm getting, the more aware of my own behaviour I am becoming.

Most of the afternoon I've found myself staring at the stack of paperwork in front of me, not really getting anywhere with it. I've just sat at my desk, looking out over the squad room, taking in the interaction between my detectives. It's tense, our latest case is clearly getting to everyone. The guys, Fin and Carisi, they're trying to take their minds off of it, joking around and generally winding each other up about various things, their antics have caused me to roll my eyes on more than one occasion today alone. It's always the same with them. Rollins though, her back is to my office, her head bowed down as if she's working, but I can tell she isn't. She looks uncomfortable, withdrawn, dejected even. Her hands come up to rub her temples, clearly the after effects of last night's drinking is getting to her.

Standing, I turn my back towards the squad room for a second, looking out the window. Amanda, she's needs compassion and support right now. Obviously, my threatening to suspend her yesterday, that clearly didn't help matters in the slightest. The thought causes me to feel guilty once more, and in that moment, I vow to be the support system she needs. Whatever she needs, starting with water and painkillers.

"Rollins, my office." I say from my office doorway. My tone of voice causing Fin and Carisi to stop whatever they were doing at that moment in time and return to doing their share of the paperwork.

As Amanda moves into my office, I hear the obvious exasperated sigh escape her lips. She genuinely thinks I'm just going to give her another ear bashing. But I'm not.

When Rollins is through the door and standing in my office, I close it behind her and tell her to sit down. She looks seriously unhappy and it's hurting me that she so noticeably feels like I don't want her here, in this unit. Her gaze never wavering from the floor in front of her.

I move around my office, grabbing a fresh bottle of water from the stockpile under my desk and a couple of Tylenol from my desk draws before moving to sit down next to my blonde detective on the couch. Feeling my weight beside her, Amanda finally looks up from the floor at me. Our eyes meeting momentarily before I give her the bottle of water and two painkillers but don't say anything, I just wait for her to take the pills and drink the water.

"Why are you being so nice? All I've done lately is cause you hassle." Amanda finally asks.

"You're clearly not ready to talk about whatever is going on. But I'm your boss, you're part of this team. I care about you Amanda, we all do. I was out of line yesterday, you don't need tough love at the moment and I see that now. I just want you to know, we are all here for you, whatever it is, whenever you're ready to open up." I explain, my hand brushing softly against her back.

I know what I've just said has surprised the younger detective, but she doesn't argue, she doesn't say anything in fact. No reaction at all. Just sits there remaining in silence. Seconds, minutes pass by before either of us even shift uncomfortably, my hand still gently grazing along Amanda's back.

"I should finish my paperwork." Amanda says, standing rapidly beside me, the dizziness undoubtedly hitting her full force.

"Sit back down for a second. Take a minute. The paperwork can wait." I say softly, tugging carefully on her hand, almost forcing her to sit back down beside me, as she collapses back down.

"Lieutenant, you don't have to do this you know." She tells me, her voice barely above a whisper as she struggles to speak.

"I know, I want to." I tell her with conviction, and I do. There's something about this blonde, something about her that completely rubs me up the wrong way and irritates the shit out of me, whilst all the while making me want to look after her, care for her.

A thoughtful calm falls, once more, over my office. Only to be destroyed moments later as Fin knocks on the door. I signal him to enter the room, whilst standing from the couch and moving back towards the other side of my desk.

"Sorry to bother you boss, but the fourteen-year-old victim from yesterday has just shown up unaccompanied." He tells me, Amanda's eyes instantly meet mine. I know she wants to be involved in this case, I don't know why, but I know she does.

"Okay, Rollins go talk to her, I'll be out to join you in a second." I tell them both, giving the blonde a small smile and nod as she stands, more carefully than before. Amanda goes to greet the young girl and I wait for Fin to tell me what is on his mind.

"What is it Fin?" I ask him, not wanting Amanda to be alone with the victim for too long.

"Is she ok?" He asks, motioning to Amanda.

"Honestly, I don't know. But I'm going to do my best to make sure she is." I tell him, making sure to keep things as vague as possible. I don't want to betray Amanda's trust, not that I could even if I wanted to since I have little to no idea what is going on with her. All I know is that for the last two days, that I'm aware of, she's shown up to work, still fairly inebriated from the night before.

With that, Fin leaves my office. I take a quick second to breathe before heading in the direction I saw Amanda and Elena go. Entering the room they occupy, I see the relief in the blonde's eyes. As much as she wants to be involved with this case and to help this girl, she's struggling with it. That much I am aware of. I've always been good at reading people, or at least I thought I had, but something about Rollins is making her extremely difficult to get a handle on. But I'll continue to try, she's one of us after all.

"You remember Olivia, don't you Elena?" Rollins says to the young girl, earning a nod from the fourteen-year-old.

"Hi Elena." I say, raising my hand to acknowledge her from across the room.

There's an eerie silence that rolls in waves over the room after the greeting, no one saying anything as I shift my observation between my detective and the victim. I want to allow Amanda to do this, but as the seconds tick by, I can see her closing off, more and more.

"How can we help Elena?" I finally ask, knowing that if I don't step in, we will likely be here for hours in deafening silence.

"I just, I wanted to take back, to take back what I said, at school." She finally stutters out, her head down. I move across the room to sit on the small table across from the couch that Rollins and Elena are seated on.

"Okay, are you sure? Your teachers seemed pretty adamant that something bad was happening at home." I say, using the tone I always use when talking to victims. My soft and caring voice.

"I don't, I have to go." Elena says, abruptly standing and leaving the precinct before I even have chance to react.

Amanda hasn't moved a muscle, she didn't even flinch when Elena left, her mind is clearly not here in the room with us. Her thoughts must be somewhere else entirely.

"Rollins." I coax softly, placing my hand compassionately on her knee. I immediately wish I hadn't as her hand connects squarely with the side of my jaw in a flash. The reaction catches me completely off guard, again. I'm beginning to wonder where my own head is at today as well. I can taste blood instantly, where I must have bitten down on my tongue or the inside of my cheek cut against my teeth.

It takes not even a millisecond for Amanda to realise what she's just done before she is on her feet and gone from the room. Running out of there, leaving me stood, seriously perplexed. I decide to take a minute to compose myself, wracking my brain, trying to figure out what exactly just happened, but Fin enters the room.

"Lieu, you okay?" he asks from the door.

I nod, grimacing slightly as the pain from inside my mouth hits me again. I'm definitely going to have one hell of a shiner on my jaw later.

"What just happened? Rollins came flying out of here, grabbed her coat and left." Fin tells me. Shit.

"I don't actually know. I was talking to Elena, the victim, she ran off, Rollins was here, but not here. Then she ran off as well." I tell him, leaving out the full details. I have seen it so many times, so so many times. Amanda's reaction to my hand on her knee when she wasn't expecting it, it's the reaction of someone who was abused or raped. I hope to god I'm wrong, but unfortunately, I have a bad feeling I'm not.

"Did she go after Elena?" her asks me, causing me to shake my head. The motion intensifying the throbbing in my jaw.

"Liv, we need to find her." Fin tells me, his voice frantic. I know we do. I do. I need to find her, I caused this, I need to fix it.

"Can you cover for me? I'll find her." I tell him, earning a nod in response as I rush out of the door and down the hall to my office to gather my belongings.

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I'm fairly sure the mistakes are minimal in this chapter, or at least I hope they are! Definitely seems harder right now to write from Olivia's POV so I may do a double Amanda's POV then single Olivia's POV going forward. It's Amanda's story after all… Please hit review and give feedback. Thanks x


	4. Chapter 4

As I said in the last update…. I'm really drawn to writing this right now.

Just a little warning, this chapter does contain talks of both rape and self harm. If you're sensitive to either of these subjects, PLEASE don't read, or skip over those parts. PLEASE!

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Rollins POV

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"Okay, Rollins go talk to her, I'll be out to join you in a second." Olivia says to me, obviously aware that I want to be involved in this case, regardless of the trauma it is causing for me. I stand slowly, cautiously, not wanting to go dizzy like I did a few minutes ago.

Leaving Olivia's office I head into the squad room, dumping the half empty bottle of water down on my desk before greeting Elena.

"Hello Elena. Let's go somewhere more quiet." I tell her, doing my best to hide the sourness of my mood from the vulnerable young girl as I do.

Elena nods at me and we make our way in silence to the family room. I motion for Elena to sit down on the couch and sit down beside her, being sure to put a little distance between us. Neither of us says a word, we just sit, both lost in our own thoughts I'm guessing from the pained expression on the girl's face. My face probably mirroring her look. A few minutes later, Olivia walks in, she doesn't say anything to start with. No doubt trying to figure if she's interrupted something or if we were just sitting here. Eventually she speaks.

"Hi Elena." Olivia says, her tone soft and caring, the voice she reserves just for victim interviews.

Elena doesn't respond, and I don't bother to cut in for her either.

"How can we help Elena?" Olivia asks. At this point I stop listening, completely switching off to my surroundings. I stare straight ahead, desperately trying to suppress the memory that is trying to surface from deep within my mind.

It's no good, I can't stop this from happening.

 _My sick mother turned in early, the cancer riddling her body too much to handle today. She's getting weaker by the day, a combination of the illness itself and the treatment for the cancer taking its toll on her fragile body. She's only thirty four. Thirty four and there's nothing the doctors can do. My mother and stepfather told my brother, sister and I today, she's probably going to die. And probably soon._

 _I stay up late, mindlessly staring at the TV, not even paying attention to what is playing. The only thought in my head is that soon enough, I'm going to have no parents and two younger siblings to take care of. I'm only thirteen myself, there's absolutely no way I'm ready for that kind of responsibility. We'll probably end up in foster care, we may even end up separated. The hate for my father rises up from deep within me. If only he had been a better man, a bigger man. If only he had chosen his family over alcohol. If only he hadn't smacked my mother around, maybe I wouldn't be looking at the worst possible fate for my siblings._

 _Continuing my staring match with the TV, I feel the weight change on the couch. My stepfather sitting down beside me. I never alter my gaze. Suddenly he places his hand on my knee and I snap. My small first flying into the side of his face. Of course, he just laughs at me, throwing me to the floor._

I suddenly snap back to the present. My lieutenant holding her face. Shit, what have I done. My thoughts stall. I can't have just hit her, I can't, Can I? Shit. I stand and turn practically run from the building, not even bothering to stop to grab my jacket. I only stop when the fresh autumn air hits my face as I exit the building. I keep moving, needing to get as far away from the precinct and Olivia as possible.

My legs keep moving, my mind completely frozen with horror as I make my way through the streets of Manhattan. Instinctively making my way home without any thought. That is until I arrive outside the bar just around the corner from my apartment.

Without any thought, I enter the bar, sitting on an empty stool. I order my usual neat whiskey. Telling myself I don't need it, I just want it. I down that glass, signalling the bar man to top me up, repeating the same with the second. My mind beginning to run away with me again.

 _Lying on the floor of the living room where I've just landed thanks to my stepfather. I stay still, laying my head back against the floor. I'm all to aware of the consequences of my actions. I shouldn't have hit him. It's only going to end up worse for me._

 _I see my stepfather stand from the corner of my eye. He's angry. It's written all over his face. He doesn't say anything though. Before taking the step towards me, he unbuckles the belt holding his jeans up. I close my eyes, taking a shaky breath._

 _"You make any noise, I'll kill you." He tells me. I know from the anger in his voice that he means it as well so I say nothing. Frozen with fear._

 _He drags my trousers and underwear down my legs, a tear escaping from the side of my closed eyes. I'm a fairly smart kid, I know the enormity of what's about to happen. But in my mind, clamping my eyes shut makes it less real. Less painful._

 _I feel my stepfather move to kneel beside me. Even with my eyes clamped shut, I can feel where he is. I whimper quietly as his hand slides up the inside of my bare thigh, his fingers coming into contact with my core. His touch causing me to flinch. I don't want this but I'm powerless. His knees appear either side of my head._

 _The shock of the new position causes my eyes to fly open, only to see my stepfather lowering his erect penis straight towards my mouth. I try to fight him off but I'm pinned. His cock entering my mouth. Deep into my throat as I struggle to hold back my gag reflex. I stop fighting him. There's no point, I'm stuck._

 _He lowers his upper half, effectively stopping any movement from me, using his torso flush against mine, his mouth coming into contact with my own core. His tongue escapes his mouth, swiping sporadically along my folds. His hips thrusting his penis in and out of my mouth the whole time. He continues until his is finished. My mouth full of his seamen. Using the tiny amount of strength I have, I push at his stomach, trying to get him off of me._

 _As soon as I'm free to move, I go straight to the kitchen. Spitting his slimy fluid from my mouth into a sink full of dirty dishes._

"Hey. Get out of my bar." The bar man shouts at me, pulling me back to reality. Whiskey dripping down my chin. I suddenly realise I've probably just sprayed my drink everywhere from my mouth.

"Sorry." I mutter, throwing some screwed up bills from my pocket on the bar and leaving. I round the corner, heading straight to my apartment. I need to be alone. Clearly my mind is acting out my thoughts. Hitting Olivia, spitting my drink out. I can't trust it right now.

I climb the stairs and open my apartment door, locking it behind me. Instinctively I head to the kitchen, looking for one of the stashed bottles of whiskey I have hidden. It suddenly hits me that for the first time in months, there's no empty bottles lying around, no empty takeout containers, no dirty dishes. Olivia did that, and I didn't even notice this morning when she was here. I didn't even thank her, instead I punched her in the face.

Foregoing the whiskey, I head straight to the bathroom. Looking for the other release I so often crave. It's more likely to help right now. I need to forget. I need the release. I need the pain.

Finding exactly what I'm looking for in back of my toiletry cabinet, I pull out the little jewellery box. The black box that houses my darkest desire. My oldest friend. I fiddle with the box. I want to open it, but I know once I do, there will be no stopping myself. It's already hard to hide the tonnes of scars marring my body, adding more isn't going to make that any easier.

I sit myself down on the tiled floor of my bathroom, leaning back against the edge of my bath. The black box toying between my fingers. I take a shaky breath, lifting the lid. The sharp blade coming into clear view. I take the blade from the box, twisting it between my fingers. Playing with it, trying to calm my head just by holding it. It never works like that, but it's a ritual, a routine. I have to do it.

Bringing the blade to my forearm, I hold it there, watching the skin dent with the pressure I'm applying. But I don't move. I wait. I need the calm, the calm that washes over you right before you do it. Doing this angry, worked up, it's dangerous. It leads to hard to hide scars, deeper cuts, more cuts. I need the calm.

Dragging the blade slowly, I feel the sting, I see the blood. Instantly I feel better, relieved. I move to make a second cut, but there's a banging at my door. That drags me back to earth.

I stand. Not really knowing what to do with myself. I haven't got time to cover the fresh cut on my skin. Instead I pull my jacket back on as I make my way to the door. I check the spy hole, sighing. It's Olivia. Again.

Maybe if I ignore her she'll go away and leave me alone. But in reality I know that won't happen.

"Rollins, answer the door." She shouts from the other side before banging on the door again. How long is it acceptable for me to let her stand there knocking before it will annoy my neighbours?

"Amanda, come on. I'm worried about you." She says, softer this time.

"If you don't answer the door I'm going to kick it in." Ok that does it. I fling the door open.

"Seriously Lieutenant, what do you want?" I almost shout at her. One hand on the door, the other on the opposite side of the doorframe. Completely blocking the entrance to my apartment.

"I am worried about you." She says matter of factly. I don't say anything, I just walk away. Throwing myself down onto the couch. My elbows on my knees as I lean forward. She makes no effort to enter my home, clearly sensing that I don't want her there.

"I'm fine. You can go." I tell her bitterly. But she doesn't, instead of leaving, she invites herself into my home. Closing the door behind her. God, it's going to be a long ass night. She moves across the apartment, away from the door and towards the chair next to my couch.

"Amanda, you're bleeding." Olivia says. Talk about state the bloody obvious. I just grunt at her, not even bothering to be nice or understand what she's doing here any longer.

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So that's chapter was a pretty tough write and I'm sure it's been a difficult read as well. I really hope people are enjoying the storytelling though. Hit review please and thank you x


	5. Chapter 5

Sorry for the lack of update yesterday, life got a little insane there for twenty four hours or so, but I'm back today. I hope people are enjoying the story. This chapter isn't as tough to read as the last one was, so enjoy!

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Benson's POV

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The drive to Amanda's place is long and arduous. This traffic in Manhattan really sucks during rush hour. I really need to get to her apartment. It was completely out of character for her to hit me. Something was obviously going on inside her mind because she looked completely surprised when she realised what she'd done.

As I pull up outside her building, I take a quick second to check out my jaw. The throbbing is persistent and the bruise is already showing undertones of purple and blue below my skin. Rollins really did catch me good, and if it wasn't for the situation and the intense pain, I'd probably feel proud of the force she put behind that punch right now, as her lieutenant.

I scale the stairs, two at a time with almost frantic pace. My heart is hammering inside of my chest. I'm really worried about Amanda. I have seen her do a lot of crazy things in her short time in my unit, but I've never seen her like this. I've never seen her look defeated, she has always looked so well put together, until recently. Banging on the door I get no response, not that I expected anyway but still I had to try, I have to try.

"Rollins, answer the door." I shout as I knock the door again, with still no answer. She probably thinks I'm angry about her first connecting with my jaw and usually yes I would be, usually she would be looking at suspension or the loss of her job, but I'm a good judge of character, I'm good at reading people and I'm all too aware of the signs of abuse.

"Amanda, come on. I'm worried about you." I try again, my voice calmer this time. But the calm quickly falls away as I still don't receive any response from within her apartment. She could just not be home yet?

"If you don't answer the door I'm going to kick it in." I try the typical cop approach, force. It seems to get the desired effect though because the next thing I know, her front door is wide open. The blonde holding the door in one hand and gripping the door frame tightly in the other.

"Seriously Lieutenant, what do you want?" She shouts at me, clearly angry. Angry or upset.

"I am worried about you." I tell her honestly. Amanda walks away from the door and plops herself down on her couch, leaving me standing in the doorway to her home. I don't move, I wait a few seconds, not wanting to cause extra distress on top of the anguish I'm clearly already adding to.

"I'm fine. You can go." Amanda snaps at me, but she's clearly anything but fine. I shut the door and move into her apartment, moving carefully towards her. The red liquid that is covering her hand suddenly catches my attention.

"Amanda, you're bleeding." I tell her. Not wanting to put myself within the personal space of the blonde detective after the events of earlier. I can protect myself, but my jaw already hurts and I don't want to push the blonde too hard.

Amanda just shrugs at my comment. As if I just stated something completely normal, that it's normal to be bleeding. It's in that moment that I decide to take the risk, that I decide to put the possibility of another smack to the face to the back of my mind. Whatever is going on with my detective, she needs help. Maybe she isn't ready to accept it, but maybe, just maybe she is. Gingerly I move closer to her, sitting beside her on her couch. Not too close, but close enough for her to be aware that I'm there for her.

"I'm here for you. Whenever you're ready." I say softly, using my right hand to tuck a stray piece of hair behind her ear, my thumb grazing her cheek softly. Amanda leans into my touch softly, it's the slightest moment of acceptance of my help, a regular person may have missed it, but me, being the seasoned detective that I am, I notice it, before she retreats back into herself. I lower my hand to the blonde's back, watching for any signs that my touch is causing unwanted distress, but there's nothing. Instead, Amanda's exhausted body falls into my arms. The reaction from the detective catches me completely by surprise, just for a second, before I wrap my arms around her, holding her tightly.

I feel the front of my blouse begin to dampen presumably from Amanda's tears, I don't move away though, I can't move away, I just hold her tighter. Holding her like my life depends on it, and it very well might do.

Eventually Amanda pulls away from my embrace. I'm not sure how long I was holding her for, whether it was seconds, minutes, maybe even hours, and it didn't matter. Not to me. If that's what she needed, that is what I would do.

"Sorry." The detective mutters almost silently, once she's finished wiping her eyes and her nose.

"You don't need to apologise Amanda." I say softly, taking a chance and placing my hand, hesitantly on her arm. My hand on her arm causes her to flinch.

"I do. I punched you." Amanda motions to my now bruised jaw, and the only response I have to that is an amused scoff. She isn't wrong, she did punch me, and it does hurt, but right now it isn't important.

"Can I, will you let me help you?" I ask, my voice faltering at my own words. I want to ask about the blood, but I don't want her to shut down again, not when it feels like she's only just starting to trust that I'm there for her. My question earns me a half nod in response, like she's not sure she wants to accept the help but knows she needs it.

Standing reluctantly, Amanda shrugs off her jacket, revealing her blood covered arm to me. She doesn't need to say anything, I've been a detective a long time, I know it's a self inflicted wound. My detective sits back down beside me, as I stand myself. Her hand grabbing mine as I begin to move away from the couch.

"I'm not leaving, I'm going to get some water to clean it." I tell her calmly, causing her to drop her hand back to her lap.

Gathering up the supplies I need from the kitchen, I quickly make my way back to the living room, not wanting Amanda to be alone for too long right now. I kneel on the floor in front of the disheveled looking woman, dipping the cloth in the warm bowl of water being meeting Amanda's gaze. Checking that it's ok for me to touch it, she just nods, dropping her intense glare back to the open cut decorating her skin.

Taking her hand in my left, I lace our fingers together, using my hand to keep hers still as I clean her arm with the cloth. Once the majority of the blood is gone, I open an antiseptic wife and clean the cut itself. I can tell from the squirming that it's painful, but I need to make sure it's clean. Unfortunately, the cut is still open and it's still bleeding.

"Do you have anything to close this with?" I ask tentatively, not wanting to assume that this isn't the first time it's happened.

"I uh, I have some steri-strips, uh I'll get them." She tells me softly. I allow her to stand and she disappears down the hall, to return less than a minute later, sitting herself back on the couch in front of me. She hands me the box of wound closure strips and a single medium sized bandage, her eyes watching me for any sign of disgust or disdain, but there's none. I finish closing up the cut and wrap the bandage around her arm to protect the strips.

When I'm done, I stay on my knees in front of Amanda, looking at her, trying my best to find the words I want to say, to ask the questions I want to ask. But it's hard to know how much is too much. I do have one question I need to know the answer to right now though.

I take a deep breath first.

"Were you doing that when I showed up?" I say shakily, motioning to the now covered cut on her arm.

"I tried drinking, it didn't help." Amanda stutters. It doesn't answer my question per say, but it tells me what I need to know right now. And that is that I showed up at the right time, but maybe if I'd got here sooner, or been a little quicker, this wouldn't have happened.

Sitting myself back on the couch beside the blonde, I carefully move myself just a little closure. Wrapping my arm around her waist again. The contact is making me feel like less of a failure. I know I let her down, she needed support and I pushed her away. I should have been a better lieutenant, a better person, a better friend. But I was too wrapped up in my own life and work that I didn't even notice. But right now, this isn't about me and my shortcomings as a human being, this is about giving my detective the support she requires.

"When was the last time you ate?" I ask.

My question earns me a shrug, I know for a fact it wasn't today, wasn't even last night from the mess I cleaned up this morning.

"Is there anything you fancy?" I suggest, trying to get some food into her but on her terms. Amanda's eyes meet mine briefly, a look I can't read covering her facial features, before she looks back to the floor in front of her.

"Pizza?" She answers. It works for me, so long as she's eating something right now.

I nod, heading quickly to the kitchen to find the takeaway menus I had put away earlier that day.

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So this one is a little shorter but I'm still struggling to write from Olivia's point of view. I'm sure it will get easier as the story goes on though! Please hit review if you're reading. Thanks x


	6. Chapter 6

Sorry about the delay in updating, again. This week has been pretty difficult for me, and in the spirit of understanding for the readers of my work, my wife left me so I haven't much felt like writing, especially something dark like this story. But, I'm getting there I guess, so here is an update...

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Rollins POV

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 _I wake to the sound of screaming. My mother and father screaming at each other at the top of their lungs. I trundle down the flight of stairs as best as I can for a five year old, gripping tightly to the handrail as I go. Crossing the landing I listen to my mother's voice, her anger so obvious, even to a small girl like myself. It's a wonder my baby brother is still sleeping with the noise. He is only a year old._

 _Creeping quietly down the first few steps of the next flight of stairs, on my bottom, I peer through the railings at my arguing parents. My father wobbly on his feet, stumbling a little as he tries to move through the front door and into the house._

 _The shouting is incessant, my mother never letting up on my father who is giving just as good back. The noise is a blur, I have no idea what is being said, even though it isn't quiet. My father throws a punch, his fist colliding squarely with my mother's jaw. The silence between them now completely palpable. Then, my father trips up the front door step, landing face down in the hallway. He's breathing, I can see that, but he isn't moving. He lies there. Quickly and silently, I run back to the bedroom I share with my sister. Not wanting to be on the sharp end of my mothers extremely bad mood._

I'm dragged from my memory by the knocking at my front door. Before I even register what is happening, Olivia is answer the door and paying for the pizza she ordered. I have no idea where she was before answering the door, I had been so engrossed in my own very vivid memory that I didn't even realise I wasn't alone.

Placing the pizza box down on the coffee table in front of me, Olivia quickly disappears again in the direction of my kitchen. Returning moments later with two glasses of water. Water! She could have at least poured something a little stronger.

"Thanks." I mutter as she places a glass down in front of me. My eyes finally meeting hers for the first time since she arrived at my apartment.

Olivia nods, not saying a word and goes about opening the pizza box. Pulling a slice out and handing it to me, as if she doesn't trust me to take a piece for myself. I don't argue though, I just take the slice from her and bring it to my mouth, taking a small bite. I think it's been days since I've eaten, I'm not entirely sure, or very hungry but I eat because otherwise more questions will follow. I already know we're going to talk about the cut, Olivia can't not talk about things.

The whole time we are eating, nothing is said. I manage a slice of pizza but my stomach is already doing somersaults at the addition of the strange contents. If I eat anymore right now, it will be making a second appearance, and I definitely don't need that. So I lean back against the back of the couch. My fingers tugging at each other in my lap, waiting for the onslaught of questions and demands.

"What do you want to ask Lieutenant?" I ask Olivia when the silence becomes too much. I can tell she wants to know things but she's trying to find the right time.

"You don't have to call me lieutenant now Amanda. I'm here as your friend." She tells me, I just nod.

"So just ask Liv." I respond, closing my eyes as I wait. I hear her take a deep breath, clearly conflicted.

"How long?" My shoot eyes open, giving her a look that asks for clarification. How long what? Why does that have to be the first question?

"How, how long have you been struggling like you are now?" I release a shaky breath, grateful for her not going straight to the subject of the cut she's recently dressed for me.

"A while." I answer nonchalantly, shrugging to add to my answer.

"And the drinking?" I roll my eyes at that. I don't know the answer to that question either, or I do but it's the same answer.

"A while." I mutter again.

"O, ok. Did you, the cut, on your arm, did you?" Olivia stumbles over her words and I know what she's trying to ask, I know what she wants to know, but do I want her to know the truth? Can I just brush this under the carpet and get her to leave so I can go back to drowning myself in whiskey and forgetting the horrors of my repressed memories that are suddenly resurfacing at an alarming rate.

I think for a few minutes, trying to decide if I am ready to accept the help she is trying to offer or not. I stare straight ahead, the same two thoughts running through my head. Lie and forget about it, or be honest and face up to it.

Turning my head to look at her, my eyes meet her chocolate coloured orbs. For the first time in my life I acknowledge to myself just how deep her eyes are, how beautiful they are. I subconsciously shake the thought from my head before nodding to answer her question. I look away again, staring straight ahead at the black screen of the television. I feel her shift slightly, moving closer to me. Her hand placed on top of mine.

"Why?" She whispers and this time I do really look at her eyes, searching for why she would ask a question like that.

"I can't Olivia." I say, standing, I pick up my now empty glass and walk into the kitchen. Placing the glass down on the side, I lean my hands on the edge of the counter, taking a couple of deep breaths. I can feel Olivia's gaze watching me, feel her presence in the kitchen, anger bubbling deep inside of me once again, and for what reason I don't actually know.

"Why are you even here Liv?" I spit at her.

"Because I care about my team Amanda." She tells me, but that isn't the reason, there's something else. I may be wrapped up in my own mess of a life right now but I can still read people, quite well in fact.

"No, there's something else." I state matter of factly, turning to face her again as I lean my back against the kitchen side, my arms crossed over my chest.

She watches me for a few moments, studying my body language no doubt. We are detectives after all. Olivia moves closer to me and I feel myself instinctively tense at having someone so close. Her hand comes up to cup my cheek, briefly. Her eyes conveying something I've never seen in my lieutenant before.

"Because I care about _you_." She tells me, before moving away, putting distance between us. Naturally I relax a little, now confused by her words, and feeling immensely guilty for punching her earlier. I felt guilty anyway, but having her tell me she cares, it just makes the guilt worse.

"I um, I'm sorry about your face." I stutter, having never been good at apologies.

"It's ok. I've had worse in the line of duty." Olivia chuckles, her strong facade back in place, her face giving nothing away.

"Release." I state, answering Olivia's question from the living room, turning to fill my glass with water from the tap and leaving the kitchen to return to the living room without elaborating further.

"Release of what?" She asks seconds later, clearly having caught up with what I was saying.

I know I don't have a good answer to that question, so instead of trying to explain it I just shrug. The silence falling between us once again, and honestly I just want to be left alone to curl up and sleep. To sleep the pain away, however difficult that will be, it's what I want, what I need.

"Don't you have somewhere else to be?" I eventually ask, hinting that she should leave.

"No." She answers me and I can't help but sigh, I guess this means whether I like it or not I'm stuck with her here for a while.

"Ok, well I'm going to lie down." I state, standing and leaving the living room, heading to the bathroom to clean up the mess I left there earlier, before Olivia needs to use it.

I enter the restroom and shut and lock the door behind me. Quickly putting my trusty little blade back in its box and in the cabinet where it lives. I clean up the few speckles of blood, getting rid of any trace of my earlier activities before unlocking the door and stepping back into the hallway, almost walking straight into Olivia.

"Are you Ok?" She asks me, her eyebrow very clearly raised.

"Fine, just tired." I state, not giving her much of anything.

"Ok, rest, I'll be here when you wake up." She tells me.

"You can leave you know. I am ok." I try to reason with her, even though I know there's no point, and then there's the fact that her leaving isn't completely what I actually want. Yes it would be easier if she did, but it is strangely nice to have someone else in the apartment, someone looking out for my own well-being for a change.

"I'm staying." She tells me firmly, and I just nod, entering my bedroom and closing the door behind me. I lean against it for a few seconds until I hear Olivia move back down the hallway to the living room. Only then do I climb into bed, sleep quickly overcoming me.

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All things considered that was easy to get back into, but show the love please guys. Hit review! x


	7. Chapter 7

Again I apologise for the delay in updating. I hope people are still enjoying the very sparse updates I am providing, with a little luck I'll be able to update a little more frequently now... Enjoy!

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Benson's POV

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"I'm staying." I say firmly, standing in the hallway of Amanda's apartment. She enters her bedroom and shuts the door, leaving me staring at the white wooden divide between us for a few seconds. Sighing deeply, I make my way back to the couch and flop down onto it.

I'm at a loss. I'm usually so good at this, at helping people through things, but right now I feel like I'm making things worse for Amanda. Exasperation is in full force, I'm all too aware that Amanda is hurting, and my feelings don't matter right now. Whatever she needs should be my top priority, but I find myself wondering if the way I feel, about her situation, about my blonde detective, is affecting my ability to be what she needs right now.

Trying to distract myself from my thoughts, I pull out my cell and scroll through the emails and messages, answering a few case related ones. As I hit send on the last email reply, I receive a text from Fin. Hitting the tab, I read his message, hoping it isn't another case. I need to be here. Thankfully it isn't, his message reads:

 **Hey Liv, just checking in. How's our girl doing?**

I have to smile, Fin took an instant liking to Amanda when she joined Special Victims. Sure it took me a long time to get my head out of my ass and accept that Elliot left and therefore we got two new detectives, but I got there, eventually. I tap away on the screen, typing a reply, whilst not wanting to divulge too much information.

 **Hi Fin, she's not too good right now. I'm sat in Amanda's apartment whilst she rests. Can you cover for me for the rest of the day please?**

I ask him, knowing full well he is already holding down the fort with Carisi. Thankfully Fin has been with me from the start and knows exactly how things work so I don't need to worry about the department. One less thing to worry about is a god send at this moment in time.

 **Sure Liv, concentrate on our girl.**

Fins response coming back seconds after my own message had been delivered.

Sitting forward on Amanda's couch, I place my phone on the coffee table in front of me and rest my elbows on my knees. My forehead resting on the heel of my hands. I breathe in deeply, trying to suppress the throbbing that is still residing in my jaw. Although I haven't checked my reflection, I'm sure the bruise is in full view by now. Amanda sure packs a punch for someone of her small stature.

Suddenly, a small noise causes my head to snap up. The pain in my jaw intensifying with the sudden movement of my head. Tuning out everything else in my surroundings, I listen intently, seeing if I imagined the noise, then I hear it again. It sounds like sobbing, very faint, but definitely there. Without hesitation, I stand, quietly making my way to the door of Amanda's bedroom, craning my head towards it, listening carefully for the sound again.

Then I hear it, and this time there is no mistaking that it came from Amanda's room, from the blonde detective. Cautiously I press the door handle down, inching the door open just enough to peer inside. I can see Amanda's tiny body shaking, but she either isn't aware that I'm there or is asleep because she doesn't move to face the door. Slipping into the room, I quietly move towards the bed. I don't want to startle Amanda but hearing her sobs, it's breaking me.

"Amanda." I say softly, earning no movement or acknowledgement to my being in her room, as I try to let the blonde know of my presence without scaring her.

"Amanda." I try again, a little louder, still no response.

Gingerly, I perch on the edge of her bed. Reaching across to touch the blonde, but hesitating. If she's asleep, me touching her without her consent is likely to push her deeper into the hole she currently seems to be residing in. Pulling my hand back I sit in silence, resting my hand on the bed next to her back that is turned away from me. My eyes glued to her tiny, shaking frame.

Slowly, Amanda turns towards me. Her eyes meeting mine, her face tear stained. I have no control over my next action as my hand comes up to her cheek, my thumb wiping her tears away in one careful movement. The palm of my hand cupping her face briefly before I place it back on the bed between us.

I don't say anything at all, just sit there on the edge of the bed. Unsure whether to leave her alone and give her time, or to go with my first instinct and wrap her up tightly in my arms.

As I begin to stand, I feel Amanda's hand on mine, stopping me in my tracks. My gaze meeting hers again, a questioning look on my face.

"Stay." Amanda whispers.

I sit myself back on the edge of the bed. Amanda's hand still on mine, as I watch her, searching for what she needs, what she wants, what will help her in this moment.

"Hold me." Amanda finally says, her voice barely above a whisper, uncertainty written all over her tone.

"Are you, are you sure?" I stutter, knowing that abuse victims and physical contact isn't always a good thing. Amanda nods at me shakily. Slipping my shoes off, I position myself on her bed, my back against the headboard, and wait, I wait for her to come to me. Allowing her to make the first move.

Shuffling, the blonde detective puts her head on my chest, her left arm thrown over my stomach. When she is comfortable, I wrap my left arm around her back, my hand ghosting up and down her side warily.

My blouse begins to stick to my chest and I know Amanda is still crying, albeit silently now. I shush her soothingly, drawing calming patterns with my left hand along her side.

Finally Amanda calms, lifting her head to look at me. I wipe her tears away again, my thumb brushing softly along her cheek to remove the droplets.

I notice her eyes, flick between my eyes and my lips. Not really sure what's happening. The blonde moves steadily towards my face. Amanda's eyes close, my own eyes shooting wide in surprise, I bring the index finger of my right hand between us, placing it against the blondes lips, milliseconds before our lips meet.

"This is what you want, what you're after, isn't it?" Amanda asks, hurt obvious in her voice.

"No, no it isn't." I stumble over my own words, not because I don't know the answer, but because this situation is, complicated.

"Oh." Amanda says, turning away from me on her bed, facing the wall again. I want to wrap my arms around her, to hold her tightly and never let go, but somehow, I need to explain this first.

"Amanda." I say gently. Nothing.

"Amanda, look at me, please." I almost beg, softly placing my hand on her shoulder. Gradually, she turns back towards me. Her eyes not meeting mine.

"Amanda, please." I ask again, this time allowing the hint of begging to be heard in my voice, her gaze moving slowly to meet my own. I give her a soft smile, and take a deep breath before speaking.

"I don't want anything from you. I'm here for you and not looking for anything in return. I promise." I tell her, keep in my voice soft. Pushing my luck a little I continue. "What makes you think I want anything from you?"

"Everyone wants something Liv, usually sex, from me." Amanda says, very matter of factly. Turning onto my side, I face the beautiful blonde detective led next to me. My head resting on my hand, watching her intently.

"That's not the way it should be. That's not what this is." I tell her confidently.

"Isn't it?" She asks me, the slightest hint of a smirk gracing her features. The look surprising me to the point that I'm confused.

"Um no Amanda, it isn't." I tell her, extricating myself from her bed and leaving the room. Needing the space for a minute.

Since when has Rollins been so good at reading people? I wouldn't, and won't ever take advantage of her in this fragile state, but I'm also no longer able to deny that having her in my arms, having her hold onto my hand and ask me to hold her, having her nearly kiss me, it brings butterflies to my stomach. I can no longer deny that I have feelings for my blonde detective. Regardless of how inappropriate it is and how much she's hurting right now.

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Ok so this chapter went completely differently to how I was planning but I think it works ok. Show the love, hit review please ;) x


	8. Chapter 8

So I'm back as with a little luck I'll be able to get a few updates out this weekend since my car is broken and I'm completely housebound! Enjoy...

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Rollins POV

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"Isn't it?" I ask Olivia, just the faintest hint of a smirk on my lips as the words leave my mouth. I may be an emotional wreck right now, but I'm still really good at reading people, I'm still capable of noticing the looks, the lingering touches, the internal debate about how much affection is too much.

"Um no Amanda, it isn't." She responds, the smallest inkling of hurt gracing her features. And with that Olivia stands and exits my room, leaving me speechless and feeling somewhat guilty.

My question was warranted, most people really do just want sex from me, but pushing away the one person that's been supportive the last couple of days just because I'm insecure, not my finest moments. And honestly, kissing Olivia, it's definitely on the list of things to do before I die, why wouldn't it be? She is one hell of a woman.

Sighing, I drag myself from my bed and head to the living room.

"Liv, I'm sorry." I say quietly as I stand leaning against the hallway door jam, looking towards the couch where my boss is currently sat absentmindedly playing with her cell.

"Huh?" She asks, her gaze meeting mine. Involuntarily I roll my eyes, knowing full well she heard me, but I'll humour her this time.

"I'm sorry." I repeat in a firmer tone.

"Uh, Ok." She says, looking back at her cell. Completely avoiding my gaze.

"Liv." I coax softly, earning me a mmmm in return but still no actual recognition. I move into the living room and take her phone from her hands, her head shooting to give me a very intended glare as I toss it over the back of the couch and onto the carpeted floor.

"Rollins!" She tries to berate me but I'm smiling, and I can tell by the look on her face that she isn't that angry.

"Look, Liv, I know you aren't the person I made you out to be. Really, I am sorry." I tell her, being sure to keep eye contact, hoping she can see my sincerity as I say the words.

"I did say ok." She responds, standing from the couch, I grab her wrist softly before she has chance to move to grab her cell again though.

"Yeah, you said ok, but your actions say it isn't ok." I say softly. My eyes looking at my hand around her wrist.

"Honestly, Amanda, it's ok." Liv says, not moving to sit back down or to get away, and I relax ever so slightly.

Neither of makes any attempts to move or make conversation for a few minutes. My hand still holding Olivia's wrist as I sit on the couch, her still standing beside me. The silence is comfortable, relaxing even. For once in my life, my brain is quiet, without the overwhelming thoughts and memories. And I wonder if that is because of Olivia's presence or if it's because my hand is gripping her wrist, the contact with someone so caring.

Standing up next to Liv, I give her wrist a soft squeeze before dropping my hand. The lack of contact instantly causing my head to fill with memories and thoughts once again, but I move away from her, trying to control the intense visual thoughts. I stop, bracing myself against the doorframe of the hallway once more, facing away from my brunette lieutenant.

"I'm Uh, I'm going to go lie back down. Can you, can you come with me?" I whisper. My voice catching in my throat as the words leave my lips.

Olivia doesn't say anything, at first I think she hasn't heard me, that is until her hand meets mine on the wooden doorframe. Taking my hand from the wood she waits, and I begin moving back to my bed, Olivia trailing behind, my hand in hers.

Olivia lies down, and we end up in the same position as earlier. My head on her shoulder, my left arm thrown haphazardly over her stomach, her right arm wrapped around my back, holding me in her strong arms. It takes mere minutes before sleep takes over my exhausted body and I am dead to the world.

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 _Just last week, my mother was taken into hospital with pneumonia. Usually an illness that isn't bad, if, IF, you're completely healthy. But of course, she isn't, she has terminal lung cancer. Sooner or later, she will leave us, leave me, to deal with this and my brother and sister, all by myself. I'm angry, not at her, she can't help the fact she's sick, but I'm angry at the world. In a few days I'll turn fourteen. What fourteen year old isn't angry at the world, even before all this?_

 _My brother and sister are home alone, sleeping. They're only ten and eleven, what if something happened to them? But of course, my stepfather cares more about his own needs than his wife's children. That much is obvious, so here I am, walking his dogs, with him._

 _A bitter cold November night. The sky is completely clear, surprising for this time of year that is usually filled with rain and cloudy skys. The stars are in clear view, the light of the moon beating down on darkened fields._

 _Every night for almost six months I have walked our two dogs with my stepfather, nearly every night having to see to his needs. Whether with my hands or my mouth, whatever he felt like at the time._

 _His hand clasping mine, to the outside world it must just look like a father figure holding his child's hand, but I know differently, he knows differently. We cross the last road, heading towards the field with a covering of trees surrounding it. The ground sodden with the rain we had received a few days prior. His grip never loosening on my hand, if anything it grows tighter._

 _We make our way in silence to our usual secluded area. The dogs now off their leads and running freely in the moonlight. I never say a word, there is no use anyway. My mind just hopes, prays, that me giving him what he wants, means he stays the hell away from my little sister._

 _When we finally stop, I stand awkwardly, waiting. I know what is coming but any chance I have of putting it off a little longer, it works for me. After he scans the area for other people, he drops the zipper on his jeans, opening his flies to extract his penis from the warmth of his pants. I feel the sickening feeling rising up within me, but I swallow it back. Suppressing the urge to vomit as best I can._

 _"Get on with it, it's cold." He growls at me, placing my hand firmly on his phallus._

 _I swallow roughly again, moving my hand slowly as his penis rapidly grows in size in my tiny teenage palm. Hesitating for half a second, his hand comes to my throat, my head automatically snapping up so my eyes meet his._

 _"Don't hold out on me now." He says through gritted teeth, a tear escaping the side of one of my eyes and I move my hand again. His grip on my throat loosening, allowing me to breathe again._

 _I continue my motions until he explodes, a satisfied smile etching slowly across his lips, until his grin turns evil. In a millisecond, I know this isn't good. He quickly buttons his jeans and zips the fly, his gaze never leaving me. Even with my head bowed, I can feel him watching me._

 _Before I know what is happening, he is stepping towards me, naturally I back away, as far as I can, until my back comes into contact with a tree behind me, giving me nowhere else to go. I meet his eyes, silently pleading for him to back off and leave me alone, even though it's no use._

 _My stepfathers hand goes straight for the waistband of my own pants, sliding easily down the oversized garment. His fingers pushing roughly inside of me causing me to cry out. His free hand goes straight to my mouth, silencing me. Tears escaping my eyes freely now._

I wake with a jolt, sweating, my chest heaving as I hyperventilate. My eyes automatically filled with unshed tears. Sitting myself up, I notice I am alone in my bedroom again.

Seconds later, Olivia enters the room. Surprised to see me awake. She rushes over to me, wrapping her arms around me and holding me tightly, whispering soothing words in my ear and she desperately tries to calm me down. The remnants of my dream, my memories still etched clearly in my brain.

Eventually my breathing slows, my tears stop, but still I cling to the only person, my whole life, that hasn't taken advantage of me. I cling to her like my life depends on it, and honestly, right now, it might.

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I swear my updates for this story are getting shorter and it's frustrating as hell. Sorry it's a little short, I'll try harder to make them longer and update more frequently. Show the love, hit review please guys ;) x


	9. Chapter 9

Ok so I should have done this on the last chapter, but it applies to this one too... Thank you to RollinsFrostFan for giving me the inspiration to get these two chapters written. Luke Bryan is a genius! Enjoy...

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Rollins POV

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 _Eventually my breathing slows, my tears stop, but still I cling to the only person, my whole life, that hasn't taken advantage of me. I cling to her like my life depends on it, and honestly, right now, it might._

"Amanda, it's ok, I'm not going anywhere." Liv soothes, her hand softly rubbing my back as I relax into her touch. Trying to calm myself beyond reproach.

Liv continues to hold me, her embrace on me never wavering for even a second. Her arms wrapped tightly around my quivering, sweat soaked body.

"You left." I finally mutter, my voice not accusing, but steady.

"I had to use the bathroom. I'm sorry." Liv responds. Her voice still calming and soft.

"O-ok." I stutter. I shouldn't need her here, but apparently I do.

"Nightmare?" Liv questions.

"Yeah, no, memory." I tell her, feeling the need not to talk about it but to give her something. Honesty maybe.

Liv doesn't say anything, I can almost hear her brain working overtime though, trying to figure out what could possibly have upset me in the way my dream, my memory had. The silence extends into minutes, Olivia's grip tightening around me, holding me closely. I feel safe, something that has only happened a handful of times in my life.

"Let's get you cleaned up." Olivia finally says as a shiver rolls through my drenched body, I don't answer her, just cling to her top even tighter than I already was.

"I'm not going anywhere, but you're sweaty, I don't want you catching a cold." She tells me.

After a few minutes, I loosen my clasp on her clothes and nod a little. Olivia stands, gently helping me to stand beside her. Her arm sliding around my side, pulling my body into hers as she guides me to my own bathroom. Olivia sits me down on the toilet lid and moves around the room, setting the bath to run and pouring some bubble liquid into the tub. She disappears for a few minutes, returning with some clean clothes and a clean towel, placing them next to the sink before turning the water off. Olivia turns to leave the room, affording me the privacy to get into the warm water.

"Stay." I ask her, her eyes meeting mine. I see the internal struggle she is currently undergoing.

"Please. Just stay, in the room. Please." I say quietly, really not wanting to be by myself right now, especially in this room, with my own urges to forget the pain and anguish I felt at the hands of my stepfather. Not with that little blade in the cabinet tormenting my every thought at the moment. Olivia nods and faces the door, allowing me to undress without eyes on me.

"Make sure you don't get your bandage wet." She tells me, as if I don't know. Even though I know she's just being kind, caring. I don't respond, I just slide into the water, being sure to keep my arm out of the tub.

"Ok. I'm in." I tell her once I'm settled. Liv turns around and takes my previous place on the toilet lid. Watching me intently from the cover of her eye. I know she wants to talk about what is going on with me. I just, I not know if I'm ready. There is one thing I do need from her though.

"Liv." I mutter, drawing her gaze to me fully.

"Yeah." She answers, her eyes taking in my every move.

"Can you, um." I start but falter. How do you even ask someone this question?

"What is it Amanda?" She asks me, standing and moving across the room to crouch beside the bath. Taking my hand in hers and giving it a fleeting squeeze. Taking a deep breath, I close my eyes, trying to find the works.

"In the cabinet, the black box." I tell her, not elaborating any further. Keeping my eyes closed, I hear Olivia stand beside the bath and move across the room, the cabinet door open and the contents moving around slightly, until she finds what she's looking for. I hear the sharp intake of breath from my boss, the noise not going unnoticed, but I don't move, don't open my eyes, just listen intently.

The next thing I know, Olivia is pulling me into her arms, my soaking wet skin pressed tightly against her blouse clad chest, drenching her own clothes as she holds me with more ferocity than she ever had done. Her actions surprise the hell out of me.

Steadily, Olivia loosens her grip on my body, allowing me to slip back beneath the water.

"What was that for?" I ask her gingerly, needing to understand what had instigated such an intense response from my lieutenant.

"For taking a step, for trusting me, for being strong." Olivia says with a shrug, the slightest hint of embarrassment beginning to grace her tanned cheeks. Creeping ever so slightly up her neck. Being the detective I am though, it doesn't go unnoticed.

"I don't trust myself." I tell her, avoiding her gaze. Olivia sits on the floor beside the bath, her hand finding mine on the edge of the tub. She doesn't say anything though. Actions speak louder than words I suppose.

"The case we have been working, with Elena, the young victim. Sick mother. It all just hits really far too close to home for me." I stumble through my words, taking a deep breath as I turn my head towards Olivia, my eyes meeting hers. Her eyes, they convey sadness, but not pity. It gives me strength, she gives me the strength to open up, just a little bit.

"My mother had the same illness, I was the same age as Elena, it's all too familiar." I stutter a bit more before getting so exasperated with myself that I try to abruptly stand in the tub and get out of the room.

"Amanda. Calm down. Sit back down, please." Olivia says firmly, pleading with me. Her eyes purposefully glued to mine. I resign myself to doing as I've been told and sitting back in the warm water.

"We don't have to talk about anything. If you aren't ready, that is fine. Just, please stop running." Olivia tells me, still stood next to the bath. She runs her right hand through her hair, her blouse still soaking, almost see through in fact as I allow myself to really look at her for the first time since I closed my eyes before.

"You're wet." I state the obvious, my eyes stuck on her wet top clinging to her skin, leaving nothing to anyone's imagination. Olivia gives out a small chuckle, looking down at herself.

"Yeah, looks like I am. Can I borrow a top?" She asks me. I barely hear her and definitely don't answer her, unable to drag my eyes away from the saturated blouse she's wearing, unconsciously licking my lips slightly.

"Rollins." Olivia says, my head snapping up, my eyes meeting hers. A little hint of a smile on her face, that alone letting me know I'd been caught staring.

"Huh?" I ask her.

"Can I borrow a top please?" She asks again.

"Oh, Yeah sure. Help yourself." I answer her. Olivia moves to leave the room, picking up my little black box as she exits. I rest my head back against the edge of the bath, closing my eyes and internally berating myself for having been caught staring at my boss. Especially when I'm naked in the bath, and with so much plaguing my every thought lately.

Now is not the time Rollins!

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That feels like the perfect place to leave this for now. Slightest hint of Amanda opening up, a little sexual tension, soaked blouses... hit review please ;) x


	10. Chapter 10

Don't think for a second that the pain, hurt and darkness of this story is done... this just seemed to work for this chapter. Enjoy!

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Benson's POV

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Leaving Amanda's bathroom, her box clamped tightly in my hand. I make my way back to her bedroom to find a top that isn't drenched. Sitting on the edge of the blondes bed, I fiddle with the box. Twisting it between my fingers, turning it around in my hands for several minutes, just thinking.

I opened the box in the bathroom, only to find out what was in it, however, seeing the little sharp blade, I snapped it shut, the overwhelming need to hold Amanda running through every fibre of my being. That's when I pulled her into my body, her skin sopping wet. The result, my blouse being soaked and transparent, and Amanda's eyes glued to my body. I thought I'd been imagining the looks, the touches, her need to be close. But maybe, just maybe, I wasn't. I thought I was making it up because I wanted her to see me as more than just her superior, just her friend, but maybe I wasn't. Even if I wasn't though, now is not the time to be pushing her, to be trying to figure out what, if anything, could happen between us. Now is not the time. First I need to help her through this, then we will see where things take us, where this could go.

Standing, I unbutton my blouse and slide it off of my shoulders, into a heap on Amanda's bedroom floor, before making my way to the closet to find a suitable top. I'm not that much bigger than Amanda so it shouldn't be too hard. Or at least you wouldn't think so.

Ten minutes I'm still stood, topless, clad in only my bra from the waist upwards. Looking for something suitable of Amanda's to put on my top half. A jumper, a t-shirt, anything really.

Finally, I spot a very worn looking Atlanta Falcons hoodie that looks big enough and comfortable. As I reach out to take it from the hanger in the closet, I feel Amanda's arms wrap around my waist. My skin tingling at the contact of her hands on my bare skin. Her damn towel coming into contact with the skin of my back, making me aware that she is only covered by the towel around her body.

"Amanda." I warn shakily, whilst simultaneously bringing my hands up to clasp hers on my stomach, neither removing them or pulling away.

"Mmmm." She responds. Her lips meeting the crease between my neck and my shoulder. It takes everything I have to suppress the moan trying to escape my throat in that second.

"Amanda." I warn again, this time a little less shakily. The slightest touch of her hand, her lips, on my skin, it's enough to devour all of my resolve, but I can't let it. I won't let it. Not without talking about this first. My warning falls of deaf ears though, her lips once again meeting the crease of my neck, this time sucking my skin into her mouth and I'm powerless to stop the moan of approval from leaving my mouth.

"Rollins." I almost squeal, extricating myself from her grasp rapidly and grabbing the hoodie I was about to put on. Quickly I pull it over my head before turning to look at the blonde.

"Did I, did I get that all wrong?" She asks me, suddenly very nervous, hurt almost. I run my hand through my hair, my mind is going a million to one, I don't know what the best move is here right now. Pacing back and forth for a few seconds, I try to gather my thoughts, trying to find the best thing for this situation.

"I thought you felt something for me. Sorry, I must have misread the situation." Amanda says, looking seriously dejected as she begins to turn and leave her room again. She's nearly at the door before my brain catches up. For lieutenant, it's fair to say I'm slow at thinking on my feet today. Taking the two long strides to the door, I manage to catch Amanda's wrist just before she leaves the room.

"Liv?" She eyes me intensely. My name rolling off her tongue with her southern accent coming into play is enough to stop any thoughts in my mind.

I'm at a loss for words. Of course I feel that way about her, but she's hurting, she's struggling and she's in pain, and Amanda in a towel, pressed against my back, I can't even think about it. The thought of it makes my knees want to buckle. There are no words that I can speak right now to explain what is going on in my head. How can I fix this without making her think I don't feel that way about her, because I really, really do.

Pulling on Amanda's wrist softly, I turn her body to fully face mine, careful not to disrupt her towel, I place my hands on her hips. Keeping my eyes trained on Amanda's, I look for even the slightest amount of discomfort. The tiniest hint that my actions, my affection, isn't wanted. All I see is intrigue, the smallest amount of confusion.

We stand just looking at each other for a few minutes, but words still fail me. The tension becoming almost unbearable. If I can't tell my blonde detective how I feel about her, maybe, just maybe I can show her without taking it too far and pushing too hard.

Excruciatingly slowly, I move my face closer to hers. My eyes locked into the blue orbs in front of me, examining every inch of them, looking for any sign of rejection. The piercing blue eyes in front of me though, they flicker between my own brown eyes and my mouth. There's no uncertainty there so I move a little closer, Amanda's eyes now glued to my mouth.

Softly, carefully, I press my mouth to hers, the feeling of her soft lips on mine causing another soft moan to escape my throat. I pull back, my eyes meeting hers again.

"Does that, uh does it answer your question?" I ask her, when I finally seem to find my voice again.

"Question?" Amanda asks and I can't help but playfully roll my eyes.

"About whether you got this wrong?" I clarify for her, waving my hand between us.

"Oh, Yeah." She says, clearly struggling to get her brain to catch up with what just happened.

"Amanda, are you ok?" I ask her, suddenly worried I made the wrong move based on her behaviour.

Before I have too much time to worry that my own actions had been a step too far for the blonde though, she takes the step towards me, closing the distance. Her mouth finding mine with no hesitation, her arms resting on my shoulders, her hands in my hair. My own hands slide around her back, removing any distance between our bodies.

Our kiss quickly becomes heated, sloppy. The thought of Amanda kissing me in nothing but a towel doing absolutely nothing for my ability to keep this calm, caring. To keep her from rushing into something she isn't ready for, to keep me from pushing her into something she can't handle right now.

Amanda's takes my bottom lip between her teeth, sucking lightly, a throaty moan escaping my mouth before her lips are back on mine, exploring every inch of them. Then her tongue ghosts along my bottom lip, begging for entrance, which I immediately allow. Her tongue battling with mine, almost every ounce of self control I have gone. But it can't be, not now, I need to control myself. Breaking our kiss for air, my chest heaving, Amanda's mouth works along my jaw, down my neck, causing me to whimper.

I need to stop this, I need to stop it now.

"Amanda." I say softly, pushing at her hips lightly. Her eyes instantly meeting mine, the blue darker than usual, her pupils severely dilated.

"Liv." She says with a smirk. I take a deep breath, trying to calm my raging libido long enough to form a coherent thought.

"You should, you should put some clothes on, and we should take this slowly." I tell her nervously.

"Ok." That's all Amanda says, grinning at me as she turns towards the bathroom, just before she exits the door though, she drops her towel. Continuing across the hallway, my eyes roaming her body as I shake my head at her, a grin forming on my own face taking in a shaky breath.

I can already tell, even without her pain and distress, I'd have my work cut out with her.

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This story keeps going in a completely different direction to the one I had planned, I hope it's working. Hit review please ;) x


	11. Chapter 11

So I'm seriously going for three updates today... I really hope people are enjoying this still. Thank you for continuing to read even though I've been pretty absent lately... Enjoy!

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Rollins POV

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"Ok." I grin at Olivia, before turning around to head back to the bathroom to get dressed. Then an idea hits me squarely, and I know it's not being exactly fair to her, but what the hell. Kissing me like that then leaving me high and dry wasn't exactly fair either.

Just before I leave my bedroom, I drop my towel, displaying just how naked I actually was underneath my towel following my bath. I hear the sharp intake of breath from my lieutenant behind me, my antics getting exactly the reaction I was hoping for. Not looking back I continue sauntering to my bathroom, being sure to give my hips the wiggle I use when I know people are looking.

As I enter the restroom I head Olivia mutter something under her breath and I can't help but smile. Feeling pretty proud of myself for getting a reaction like that out of the woman I have come to know as a very professional, always held together person, strong, unwavering convictions. I wouldn't usually flaunt my body like that, especially with a boss, but something about Olivia, it makes me feel safe, comfortable. I know, regardless of all my teasing and playfulness, she'd never push, never make me do something I wasn't ready for. So yeah, I decided to have a little fun with it.

I think back over the last eight hours or so whilst pulling on my clothes. The day has been a bit of a blur, a strange day. Hitting my boss, the woman I just kissed and gave a show to, drinking well before lunch time, pizza for lunch, sleeping during the day, a bath. It's been a rollercoaster, but I know I can get through it with Olivia here. Anything is possible.

"Thank you." I say to Olivia when I finally enter the living room where she is now sat on my couch.

"Uh, what for?" She asks me, confusion displayed clearly on her face.

"For being here today, even after I hit you, and pushed you away." I say with sincerity, moving to sit beside her.

"I told you, I care about you." Olivia says with conviction.

"Yeah, I guess I never knew how much." I shoot back, a little smirk crossing my lips as the words leave my mouth.

"You're funny Rollins, ever thought about doing stand up?" She mocks me, a smile on her own face.

"Oh, now who's being funny." I tease right back, enjoying the calmness of my thoughts and the surroundings for the first time in a long time.

Shifting on the couch, I tuck my left leg underneath my right and position myself facing my boss. Taking her hand to ground myself in the gravity of everything that has happened today, both with myself and between us.

"You Ok?" Olivia asks me, a serious look on her face. I nod and give her a soft smile, because I actually am feeling ok, and the silence between us is comfortable, like we have been in a relationship for years, even if I'm not sure what this is between us yet.

"Are you, are you planning on going home tonight?" I eventually ask Olivia, the neediness obvious in my tone, even though I don't want to or enjoy being THAT girl.

"Not planning to, unless you want to kick me out. I don't feel comfortable leaving you alone just yet. You've had a rough day." She tells me, her thumb gently brushing across the top of my hand.

"Not kicking you out. I feel... safe, with you here." I tell her.

"Then I'll stay, if that's ok." I nod to affirm that it's fine with me.

Silence falls over the living room again, and I get an overwhelming urge to open up about my past to Olivia. It's only fair really, considering the day I've had and all the emotions she's supported me through, without hesitation. I raise my head, looking away from our joined hands, to the clear bruise that has formed on her jaw, bringing my hand up to it, I softly stroke it with my free hand, Olivia leaning into my touch. I think she has sensed the shift in the mood from playful to serious again, because her grip on my hand tightens ever so slightly.

"Sorry about your face." I tell her.

"Shhhh, it's ok. It happens, more than I'd like to admit actually." She says with a chuckle.

"It shouldn't have happened and I need to explain." I tell her taking a deep breath as she nods at me.

"Sat on that couch in the interview room, I had a flashback of my childhood. The case with Elena, I was her, I was her age, two siblings, a brother and a sister, terminally sick mother, doting stepfather to the outside world." I pause for a second, gathering strength to say the words that I know I need to say next.

"Amanda, you don't need to do this." Olivia tells me, and that's all the support I need, the fact she isn't forcing me to talk about, makes me want to talk about it.

"No, I do. I owe you an explanation as to why I hit you, my lieutenant. My stepfather, Andy, he sexually abused me." I tell her, looking for signs of disgust on her face, but there's nothing. A forced swallow, but no disgust, just compassion.

"The flashback, one day, I had had enough, I tried to fight back, I hit him in the face. Needless to say, I paid for that after, but it felt good for a second. But anyway, I wasn't in that interview room, my head believed I was back in that situation and I lashed out and I'm sorry." I ramble. Eventually having said what I wanted to say, and forcing myself to shut up for a second.

The next words out of Olivia's mouth seriously surprise me.

"If I EVER see him, I will kill him." She tells me through gritted teeth, clearly trying to control her emotions at the revelation. I know she isn't stupid and I know she had already figured out something like this had happened. I just don't think she had worked out who yet.

"Shhh, I'm ok. He isn't worth it. This case, it's just brought everything back." I tell her, my free hand returning to her face to tuck a stray strand of hair back behind her ear.

"I'm so sorry you had to go through that Amanda. No one deserves it, least of all you. To be a teenager and having to deal with all that, it's a lot. I wish I had been there, to protect you, to support you." She tells me and I can see in her eyes, no matter what, she would have protected me.

I feel my eyes well up at the words leaving Olivia's mouth. Not a single person has ever said something like that to me. Been that caring, it's overwhelming.

Leaning towards Olivia, I place a soft kiss to her lips. Needing to feel closer to her than I already do but sitting next to her.

"Sorry I made you angry." I finally say a few minutes later, dropping my head to look at our joined hands once again.

"Hey, you didn't make me angry. He did." She tells me, whilst lifting my chin with her fingers so that our eyes meet.

"Liv." I say quietly.

"Yeah?" She questions. Our eyes still locked on each other's.

"What is this? With us?" I ask shyly.

"What do you want it to be?" She asks me, answering my question with one of her own.

"Well, you make me feel things." I tell her, smiling softly.

"What kind of things?" She questions, tilting her head to the side with a somewhat goofy grin.

"Things." I tell her not elaborating any further.

"Go out on a proper date with me?" She finally says, and I can see her holding her breath waiting for me to give her an answer.

"I'd like that." I eventually say, grinning like a fool as I speak.

Olivia leans in, placing another quick, soft kiss to my lips before pulling back. Obviously not wanting to get back into a lip lock like earlier.

"So, I guess you have a thing for blonde women with blue eyes then?" I question playfully, just about catching the gobsmacked look on her face before she quickly catches herself.

* * *

Finally Amanda is starting to open up and things seem to be going well... how long will that last though? And that is me done for today! I'm all written out. Hit review please ;) x


	12. Chapter 12

I really love the continued support for this story. I'm not sure how much of a decent chapter I have into me for it today, but I'll give it a try! Hope you enjoy.

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Benson's POV

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"So, I guess you have a thing for blonde women with blue eyes then?" Amanda asks with a playful smile. The question just briefly leaving my mouth agape before I manage to catch myself.

I assume she is referring to Alex Cabot. The only other woman that has got under my skin the way Amanda does. Alex and I, had been complicated from day one, we would argue and fix it with meaningless sex. Until it wasn't so meaningless to me and she was taken away, only to come back and leave anyway. Since Alex, there's been no one serious, no one that has made me want to be with them for any length of time. But something about Amanda is drawing me in.

"Um." I finally mutter in response to Amanda's question. Not actually knowing that anyone was aware of my relationship with the blonde ADA.

"Liv, I'm really good at reading people." She tells me, trying to get me to admit to the history I shared with Alex.

"Does everyone know?" I ask cautiously.

"No. Well, Fin might. But I never told him." She says, honesty clear in her eyes.

"Well, yeah I guess I do." I answer her noncommittally giving a shrug at the same time.

"Was it serious?" The blonde asks, the question causing me to scoff at her before I can stop myself.

"For her, no." I tell her, since there is an element of sharing going on here anyway.

"But you got hurt?" She pushes a little more, sadness showing in her eyes.

I nod in answer to her latest question. Not elaborating any further since I don't really want to be sat here with her discussing one of my many past failed relationships.

Without saying anything else on the matter, I shift to a more comfortable position on the couch, manoeuvring Amanda into my arms as I stretch my legs out so that we are both lying down. Amanda led between my legs, her side to my front.

We lie in silence for a long time, just enjoying the quiet and the closeness of our bodies. Holding each other. Amanda's demeanour changes again though, and I'm trying to work out if she's having another flashback or is battling with opening up a little more. But I stay quiet, waiting for her to do whatever she is going to do, just being patient. I have been doing my job a very long time and I know all too well that you can't push people to talk, to trust you.

A good ten, fifteen, twenty minutes pass and Amanda doesn't move or say a word, her body however getting more tense with every passing second.

"What is it Amanda?" I coax softly, reminding her that I'm here for her.

The blonde lifts her head to look at me, her eyes briefly meeting mine, her jaw clenched shut, before she puts her head back on my chest without saying a word. Her grip tightening on the hoodie of hers that I have borrowed.

"Amanda, talk to me please." I try again, desperate to get through the woman cuddled into my chest.

"I'm ok." She tells me, the words forced.

Torn between letting it go and wanting to know what's going through her mind, I replay her words in my head for a few minutes. My fingers softly threading through her hair as I try my best to relax her.

"I was twelve, the first time I did something like this to myself." She says, waving her bandaged arm weakly at me.

"I was in the bath, avoiding Andy. The door was locked, I was a normal twelve year old kid, shaving my legs, and I pressed a little too hard, I cut my ankle. Just one of those things that regularly happens when women shave their legs. But seeing the blood, it made me feel better about myself, it was like the bad stuff was leaving my body. It moved on from there, started with notice board pins, little scratches, nothing major. Things kept getting work and the damage I was inflicting on my body gradually got worse. Razor blades, kitchen knives, cigarettes. Basically anything I could get my hands on to cause myself pain." She rambles, explaining carefully, her head still buried in my chest.

I wait, saying nothing. How had the whole squad missed this? How had I missed the pain she was really in?

"Then I reached twenty one and things changed, I switched from the mutilating damage to a different kind of physical damage. I started drinking, smoking, generally being reckless. All the while working in the police force and carrying a gun." She pauses again, this time taking a very shaky breath, her head lifting away from me so that she can meet my gaze.

"Do you know how many times I have thought about using that gun to end the pain forever?" She asks, a terrifying look in her eyes as the words leave her mouth.

"Amanda." I stutter, my heart literally sitting in my throat.

"Do you really want to get into a relationship with me Liv?" She asks seriously, and I don't even need to think about the answer because regardless of her pain, her thoughts, I want to be here for her to support her through all of it.

"I do." I tell her, swallowing roughly.

She doesn't look away and other do I. Even as I try to control my thoughts, my worries for her mental state of mind. It isn't fair to Amanda for me to fall apart with worry right now, so I hold her gaze, trying to show her nothing but the strength of my feelings for her.

"You're stupid, you know." Amanda finally mutters, surprising me.

"Why? Because I care about you? Because I want to be here for you? Because I." I stop myself abruptly. Now probably isn't he best time for me to admit that I love her. She's only just found out I even have feelings for her, let alone that those feelings are actually love.

"Yeah, because of that!" She tells me, removing herself from the couch and leaving the room.

What the hell just happened? I'm left half lying on the couch, propped up on my elbows as I stare in the direction that Amanda has just gone. Scrambling to stand up, I hesitantly go after her.

"Amanda." I say, gently edging the bedroom door open. Seeing the blonde sat with her back against the bed, her head in her hands, her hair flowing freely to cover her face.

Crouching down in front of her, I try to life her head gently to look at me. Her eyes filled with unshed tears. How can someone be in so much pain that the thought of a person caring about them is so overwhelming? Who could cause someone that amount of pain. I softly brush my thumbs across the bottoms of both her eyes, wiping away the escaping tears.

"Amanda, listen to me for a second." I say softly, needing to explain something. She nods in acknowledgment of what I have just said.

"I'd choose you, in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I'd find you and I'd choose you. I'd choose to be here, caring for you, looking after you, loving you. Regardless of what you have been put through or how bad you feel, I'd always choose to be here with you." I say with conviction and I know every word to be true, even though things are only just starting for us, even though I don't know the strength of Amanda's feelings towards me, I know my own and I would always hopes to support her.

Her eyes begin to sparkle, just a tiny little bit. The tears subsiding again as the magnitude of what I have just said to her sinks in.

Amanda launches herself into my arms, sending us both flying backwards. My body flat against the floor, Amanda's body on top of mine, her hot breath mixing with my own at the proximity. I have to close my eyes for a second, having her body pressed against mine drives me just a little bit crazy. That much I had learnt earlier.

With my eyes closed, trying to control my breathing and ignore the closeness of the blonde, Amanda has other ideas. Leaning even closer to me, I feel her lips on mine. She kisses me with an intensity that I wasn't expecting or prepared for. The kiss causing the slightest moan to escape my throat. Amanda's lips working on my own as I match her rhythm, kissing her back just as passionately and needily as she is kissing me. Amanda's tongue swipes along my bottom lip begging for entrance which I immediately allow, parting my mouth slightly to welcome the intrusion.

When air becomes and issue, I pull back slightly. My chest heaving as I try to regain my control on the raging feelings deep within the pit of my stomach. My eyes locked on Amanda's blue eyes, sharing an unspoken agreement that this would be ok. Whatever it was, it would be ok, as long as we were together.

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Seriously I have no idea where this story is going anymore. I start a chapter with a plan and it goes completely differently. Ah well, it's still working! Hit review please ;) x


	13. Chapter 13

Sorry for the delay in updating this story, I was hit with a tangent idea for a completely different story that I was just unable to put down until it was done. But I'm done with that for the time being and back working on this now.

Definite hints at rape, self harm and suicidal thoughts contained within this chapter. Please don't read if these things trigger you. Your safety matters to me, whether I know you or not.

Enjoy!

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Amanda's POV

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 _My grandparents had taken my siblings and I on a trip a during the holidays. Apparently allowing my mother to rest, away from us three youngsters, whilst she received her first bout of toxic medicine. Now the holidays are coming to an end though, and tomorrow I have to return to school for the last semester of seventh grade._

 _The five of us, my mother, stepfather, brother, sister, and me, have been away for the last weekend of the break, at my cousin's christening up north. We made the five hundred kilometer drive back this afternoon. My siblings and I confined to the back of the cramped car for approximately four hours, only getting a few minutes to stretch along the way at a gas station when the car needed fuel. The weekend had been particularly exhausting for my mother, having only a few weeks ago started chemotherapy. So she had gotten an early night. My sister had got unwell at some point this evening and had also had an early night between vomiting, and hence I am still up. Downstairs, watching the mundane televisions shows that are on at this time of night._

 _I know all too well that me staying up late means that i'll be spending time alone with Andy. But here I am, watching some crappy television show that's on at around midnight at one end of the couch, him at the other. As is fairly usual in recent months, sleep eludes me anyway so there's no point going to bed and having to listen to my sister being sick. The television is bright in the darkened room, the sound down low so as to not wake the three sleeping occupants of the house._

 _The slim, dark haired, unshaven man sharing my environment, increases the sound level on the box. I know what is coming, and it fills me with dread. He stands up and leaves the room, quickly heading upstairs, only to return a few minutes later. Probably checking that everyone else is, in fact, sleeping. When he enters the living room, he closes the door, and I instinctively shrink into the arm of the couch, as if it could swallow me up and take me away from this place. But it doesn't, it never does. I glue my eyes to the television, even too afraid to blink. Afraid that if I blink, this is really going to happen. Andy sits down beside me on the couch, impossibly close, leaving me with no room to move away even if I wasn't frozen with fear._

 _It's been like this every night for months now, maybe even a year. The same routine, I stay up late to avoid the sleepless nights in my bedroom, watching the mind numbing shows playing out on the box, until I can no longer keep my eyes open. On the nights my mother had gone to bed early, he would go upstairs and check everyone was soundly asleep, before returning and shutting the door. Then I'd have no escape. He would do what he wanted with me, usually kissing me, touching me, making me touch him, but tonight, something feels different, off. Tonight I'm even more afraid than usual._

 _Andy's hand moves to my thigh that is tightly pulled up to my chest. Prising my legs away from my body with just enough force to show me I have no control here. He starts drawing circles with his fingers, lazy patterns, inching closer to my special area over the top of my jeans. Suddenly he stops, taking his hand away, but I can feel his eyes boring into me. It makes my skin crawl, even for a thirteen year old, I know this feeling all too well. I drop my gaze from the television, looking intently into my own lap. I can already see from the corner of my eye, his member standing to attention inside his jeans. Andy pops the button on his jeans, and lowers the zipper, releasing his erection into view._

 _I try to shrink, even smaller, desperate for a way to disappear, but i can't. I never can. No matter how hard I try. He doesn't make me touch his penis though, just adding to my worry that today isn't like all the other times. Making me stand in front of him, he undoes the button and zipper on my own jeans, lowering them, along with my panties, down my legs before pulling them off entirely. Leaving me stood naked from the waist down in the living room._

 _His hands on my hips, he pulls me to straddle his lap, before trailing a hand into my folds without hesitation. I'm drier than the Sahara, of course I am, I don't want this but he carries on teasing my folds anyway. The friction causing a small amount of pain before my body begins to react, unwillingly, to his touch. My juices begin to flow, the response causing him to chuckle evilly. I can't bring myself to look into his eyes. I know exactly what I'll see and that scares me more than just giving him what he wants._

 _He carries on, stroking his fingers roughly against my opening. Wanting this to be over already, I bring my own tiny hand to his penis and begin stroking the length of it. Hoping that I can give him what he wants and he will leave me alone, but today he has other ideas. Batting my hand away after just a few strokes. I may only be thirteen, but i know, tonight is probably going to be the night that kills me. Tonight is going to end a million time worse than every other night I've spent with this man._

 _"You're really enjoying that aren't you?" he sneers at me and I just ignore his question. The anger showing as his actions get just a little rougher._

 _Removing his fingers from my now soaking folds, he returns them to my hips and lifts me up on his lap, moving me closer to him. Involuntarily, I whimper, aware of what is coming, aware of how it is going to break me. He guides his erect organ towards my core with one hand, whilst balancing me in place with the other. Teasing my entrance with the phallus. I'm frozen with fear, unable to move even a millimetre._

* * *

I wake with a start, as if my brain knows I can't relive that moment. My chest heaving, my body soaked in sweat. After our talk earlier, Olivia and I had climbed into bed and fallen asleep. Thankfully, she is still sleeping soundly right now. Leaving me the time and space I need to pull myself together. To try to calm myself down. Cautiously, I ease myself from the bed, making sure Olivia doesn't even stir before I head towards the kitchen.

I grab myself a glass of water, shaking uncontrollably as I hold the breakable beaker under the tap to fill it. I place the full glass on the side in front of me and brace myself against the counter. Trying to get myself to slow my breathing, to forget the intense flashback images plaguing my consciousness. But I can't, I never can. Only two things help. I know for a fact that Olivia disposed of all the alcohol in my apartment earlier, the empty bottles currently sitting by the trash can.

Thinking desperately about anything but the other option, I tighten my grip on the edge of the counter. My breath laboured. I'm on the verge of having a panic attack and I know i need to do something, anything, before that happens. Why on earth did I give Olivia the box from my bathroom cabinet earlier? Why did I put myself in this situation once again. I think hard, desperate to think of any other suitable items I have in the house that I can use. Then I remember my own words to the brunette sleeping in the other room earlier in the day. The very words that left my own mouth, "Razor blades, kitchen knives, cigarettes. Basically anything I could get my hands on".

Moving around my kitchen purposefully, I open the draw I keep all my sharp knives in. Taking out the one i know to be the sharpest. I need the pain to stop, I need it to end. All of it. I place the knife on the counter and brace myself against it again. Contemplating my next move carefully. I've lost who I am, all thanks to him. The anger rises within me, the pulsating hate for the man that was supposed to take care of me, supposed to be my father figure when my own father couldn't be. There's tears brimming in my eyes, I'm helpless. I feel like that broken thirteen year old girl all over again.

I pick up the knife, working it between my hands. Willing myself not to let him do this to me AGAIN. But the urge is intense. I struggle to suppress it, my breathing becoming stronger at the feel of the sharp object in my fingers. But I'm being pulled apart by my own ghost. Confidently, I take the knife in my right hand and bring it to my wrist, I just want, need this all to stop. I need it to be over. I can NOT do this any longer. The pain is too overwhelming. But i hesitate.

"Amanda."

I know, I know, writers and their really annoying cliffhangers. I'm sorry. Please hit review ;) x


	14. Chapter 14

I did a little poll on Twitter and the majority wanted my other Amezona story updated, but I just can't seem to put this one down and I feel just a little bit bad for the cliffhanger I left you guys with last night, so here we are.

I should probably warn, that again, this chapter will contain discussions of suicide and self harm and whilst I really appreciate the views and reviews, please take care of yourself first.

Enjoy...

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Benson's POV

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I wake up alone, confused that this isn't my bedroom, my apartment, for a few seconds once my eyes adjust to the darkness surrounding me. Until the memory of the last few days comes flying back. The bed beside me is cold, cold and empty. Immediately I wonder where Amanda could possibly have gone and why she isn't still sleeping soundly, since it's now the middle of the night. Then it hits me square in the chest, the flashbacks, the nightmares, the memories. Something must have woken her up, and whatever it was, it can NOT be good for her to have bolted from the bedroom as well.

Groggily, I stretch and climb from the blondes bed, sheer exhaustion taking over my body following the days revelations. I don't allow myself too long to dwell on the tiredness though, that is not my priority right now. Amanda is. Amanda always will be. I crane my neck slightly when i'm stood up, listening for any sounds throughout Amanda's apartment, but I hear nothing at all. Silently I open the bedroom door, the bathroom directly opposite me is empty, seeing as the door is wide open. Making my way down the hallway, I darent make a sound. I don't want to scare Amanda, but I also don't want to alert her to my presence, or wake her up if she had fallen asleep on the couch.

I have no idea what I'm expecting to find. I reach the entrance to the living room, the moonlight streaming through the kitchen window shows me that the blonde I'm seeking isn't in here. I'm beginning to get worried, I mean, where would she go in the middle of the night? I stick my head around the wall, bringing the kitchen into view, and nothing prepares me for the scene in front of me.

Amanda is standing braced against the kitchen counter, both hands gripping the solid wood beneath her. A knife sitting flat on the worktop in front of her, the moonlight reflecting off of the silver blade. I say nothing, watching her every move, her breathing heavy, her shoulders shaking intensely, even though she isn't crying. I take it all in, looking for any signs of what she is going to do. An obvious wave of calm washes over the blonde, her shoulders stilling and her breathing calming as she releases her hold on the counter. Her right hand moves towards the knife. I know i need to speak now, I need to do something, but I'm frozen to the spot momentarily as she brings the knife's blade to her left wrist. Amanda hesitates, but she looks confident, her shoulders squared, she knows what she's going to do, I know what she's going to do.

Finally, I manage to get my feet to move, taking a single step into the room, the blonde woman I have slowly been falling in love with still completely unaware of me being there. Watching this unfold. If only I could get my voice to work as well. Once, twice, I try to speak before I manage to whisper only a single words.

"Amanda."

The blonde barely even acknowledges my being there. She doesn't look up, she doesn't say anything, she doesn't move. Nothing at all. I know she heard me because her breathing has picked up again, but that is the only indication I get. I don't move either, she does after all have a knife held to her wrist. Minutes pass by, the only sound emanating in the room is Amanda's ragged breaths.

"Go away." Amanda finally says through clenched teeth. I'd like nothing more than to give her the space she so clearly wants, but I can't do that. Not with that blade held to her wrist, not when she's clearly suffering to the point of contemplating ending her life.

"You know I can't do that Amanda." I say, having eventually found my voice. I take a shaky step towards her, holding my breath. Only for Amanda to take a step further away, her eyes still fixed on the knife pressed to her skin.

"Go away." Amanda says a bit more forcefully this time, the anger in her voice hitting me like a slap in the face.

"No." I respond, giving her nothing else. I can see her shutting down entirely. I know if I'm going to get through to her, it's got to be soon, but how?

"Liv, LEAVE." she shouts at me and I know I'm pushing my luck, but I step towards her. Not giving her time to back away or even move before I'm right by her side. Amanda is shaking uncontrollably, whether because of her powerful desires to do something I won't let her, or the intense urges she is struggling with I'm not sure.

"I'm not leaving." I tell her mustering all the strength I can find in my voice. Seeing her like this is completely breaking my heart, breaking me. I can't even begin to imagine the pain she is going through, if this is how I feel.

"I don't want to be alive, I just want to die. I want it all to stop." she says with conviction. I know I'm losing this battle, one way or another Amanda is going to hurt herself, but maybe, just maybe I can control it. Can stop her ending her life.

"You have so much to live for. You're an amazing person Amanda." I tell her, desperate to get through to her, anyway I can.

"What kind of person enjoys it when their stepfather rapes them? What kind of person has an orgasm during rape?" she scoffs. For a second my eyes go wide at the severity of what she's just admitted happened to her, then I remember what we always tell our victims in this case. I know Amanda knows it, but she needs to hear it aimed at her right now.

"Amanda, its a normal physiological response, it's a reflex. It doesn't mean that you, you wanted it or you enjoyed it. It happens, ok? There's nothing wrong with you." I say, pessimistic that this may actually work, but I have to try. I need to try.

"Yeah there's nothing wrong with me at all is there Liv." She spits angrily at me. I have only one card left to play in this situation. One last-ditch attempt to save the woman I love, it will tear me apart, but this isn't about me right now. This is entirely about saving Amanda. My feelings are not important in this situation.

"If I have to stand here and watch you cause yourself injury, I will. I am not leaving you." I tell her, softening my voice to a soothing tone, even though I am anything but calm right now. My own heart is racing, pounding insanely hard right in my throat. "But, if that is what has to happen..." I falter, I know what i want to say, I'm just unsure of how to word it. I take a deep breath before allowing the words to leave the tip of my tongue "Just not where it could kill you, please." I finish, begging her, placing the palm of my hand face up underneath Amanda's left hand, before joining it with my right hand wrapping around her wrist. The sharp point of the blade between my index and middle fingers, as it still presses tightly to her skin. The cold metal coming into contact with my own skin as well. The hardness in Amanda's eyes seems to soften, just enough to be visible, just enough to notice as she gives me a short nod, releasing her indented skin from the blade ever so slightl.

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Sorry this chapter is a little shorter than usual. It was a really tough write. Hit review please x


	15. Chapter 15

I didn't think I had another chapter in me today, but apparently when and idea or thought strikes, you have zero control over it and here I am again!

Just a quick thank you to Jeu De Mots for helping my sorry ass find the little speech I used in the last chapter earlier. I've seen so many random episodes from random seasons that I had zero clue which season I needed to be looking in for the information I wanted.

Will contain graphic description of self-harm. Please don't put yourself at risk if this affects you.

Enjoy!

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Rollins POV

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"If I have to stand here and watch you cause yourself injury, I will. I am not leaving you. But, if that is what has to happen... Just not where it could kill you, please." The begging tone in Olivia's voice by the time she finishes that statement, it causes something to shift slightly within me. I nod in response to her, my head barely moving as I do. The pressure of the sharp metal blade against my wrist easing slightly. Not enough to remove it from the place it's being held, but enough to stop the indentation of my milky flesh from getting any worse.

* * *

 _It's been about eighteen months since my grandparents 'rescued' me from the clutches of my stepfather, and a little over a year since my mother died. Her body finallys succumbing to the disease that had destroyed her from the inside out. It's been an especially bad day. Currently I'm hiding in the bathroom, the door securely locked, eight deep cuts marring my left forearm, stretching the length from my elbow to my wrist. The blood running freely down my arm, over my hand to the tips of my fingers before dripping into the bright white porcelain of my grandparents bathroom sink._

 _I'd been hiding in my bedroom, as I often did. My compulsions finally getting the better of me as I dismantled the sharpener I used daily at school, before dragging it roughly across my skin, tears streaming down my face. A piece of A4 paper catching the drips in my bedroom, before I finally decided to go clean myself up._

 _There's a knock on the door, startling me from my thoughts. I ignore it, my tears falling harder still._

 _"Amanda, open the door." my grandmother calls from the otherside, again I ignore her needing some time to pull myself together._

 _"Amanda, open the door." she calls again._

 _"No, I'm busy." I call back, fighting back the tears to try and make myself sound perfectly fine._

 _"I've been in your bedroom, I know what you've been doing." she tells me, I can hear the worry in her voice. Something I've not really experienced from anyone before. Someone actually being concerned for my welfare. I'm so surprised that again I don't respond to her._

 _"Open the door, otherwise I will break it off of its hinges." Ok, now she's just being dramatic, I think to myself as I roll my eyes in annoyance._

 _"One second." I call back, the frustration beginning to seep through in to my tone._

 _Quickly I rinse my arm off, making sure the sink is clear of any of the red liquid, before patting my arm dry with tissue and flushing the evidence. Once I'm happy that the bleeding has stopped, I pull my long sleeves down and cross the bathroom, releasing the lock and opening the door._

 _I offer my grandmother a weak smile before trying to head back to my bedroom, only to have her grab the arm I've just cleaned up to stop me in my tracks. I wince in pain, the obvious discomfort on my face causing the oldest woman in my family to drop my arm in surprise._

 _"Show me." she says authoritatively as I suddenly become aware that I'm not going to get out of this situation until she is happy._

 _Slowly, carefully, I push up my sleeve, revealing the red angry gashes currently strategically positioned around the full expanse of my arm._

 _"Oh, Amanda." she says, running her soft fingers along the fresh cuts, cautious not to cause me more pain. Sheepishly, I drop my gaze to the floor, unable to look her in the eyes due to immense shame at being caught giving in to my weaknesses._

 _"They aren't too bad, I was worried you had done something more serious." she tells me, before pulling my exhausted body into her arms. My tears flow freely once again, this time due to my internal anguish coupled with the shame I now feel._

* * *

"Liv, I can't let you see this." I tell the brunette obviously regarding my every move. The memory of the shame I felt when my grandmother had found me that one time, too much to bare from someone else I care about, someone else I love.

"Your choices are; either you don't do it, which is what I'd prefer, or you do it with me here, keeping you safe." She tells me, her voice stronger than I thought possible.

"You can't protect me Olivia." I tell her, the anger rising in my chest again.

"Maybe not, but whether you like it or not I'm not going anywhere." She tells me. I know she's trying to help, but all she's doing is making me angry right now.

The anger, the need to feel anything but what he did to me crawling all over my skin, the shame bubbling deep within me. I need to get them out. Without a second thought, I press the knife tighter to the skin of my wrist once more, Olivia's grip on my wrist tightening without hesitation.

"Wait." She begs. "Please."

I chance a brief look into her eyes, trying to work out what she's thinking. What I see surprises me. Her eyes are full with unshed tears, the concern, the worry clearer than the night sky. Dropping my gaze back to her hand gripping my wrist tightly, I suddenly need her to let go. I can't have her holding my wrist this tightly, not like this.

"Liv, please let go." I ask her weakly, "Please." I beg her, my own eyes brimming. "Please."

I've lost it all somehow, I let my whole life shatter around me and destroy me and I don't know how to recover it. I have to let all the pain out, and this is the only way I know how. Shame or not I NEED it out now. Olivia's grip on my wrist gradually loosens again, giving me just enough of the room I need to move the sharp blade across my skin. Before she even has the chance to react, I press down harder, dragging the metal blade across my wrist, breaking the skin in one clean cut before dropping the knife to the floor. I cry out as the blood begins to pour, emerging between Olivia's fingers that are now applying direct pressure to my damaged wrist. I cling to her with my right arm, my legs suddenly weak from fighting the urges for so long, my sobs echoing through the dead of the night.

Olivia carefully lowers us both to sit on the kitchen floor, holding me tightly in her free arm as I continue to sob into her chest. Her other hand stemming the flow of the bright red liquid from my wrist. She rocks me gently, whispering soothing words into my hair as she does.

My head finally feels clear for the first time since waking up from my the worst of all my memories. The memory of my rape at the hands of my stepfather. Olivia's hand covered in my own blood pouring from my own wrist.

"Liv." I mutter weakly when my tears finally subside.

"Shhhh, it's ok, you're ok" She tells me, running her free hand through my tousled blonde hair.

"No, Liv." I say a little stronger, needing her to listen to me for a second.

"What is it sweetie?" She asks, looking straight into my eyes. I see her pain, her despair, her anger, looking straight back at me. I caused her those feelings, and it breaks me even more.

"I'm sorry." I mutter, and really I am. I'm sorry that I'm putting her through my own pain. She doesn't deserve this.

"You have nothing to be sorry for. Something terrible happened to you. We are going to get you through it. I promise." She tells me calmly, even though I can see the storm raging behind her eyes.

"You deserve better than I will ever be able to give you Liv. You should walk away before you get hurt more." I say honestly, dropping my gaze to her hand holding my now painful wrist.

"Amanda, I can look after myself. Let me look after you as well." She tells me. I have no idea why she's willing to put herself through all my bullshit.

"Why?" I ask, needing some semblance of understanding.

"Because, I love you." She simply says.

"You shouldn't." I tell her, my eyes filling with tears again.

"We don't get to choose who we fall in love with. We only get to choose how we deal with it. I'm not going anywhere, not matter how many times you tell me to leave you alone or get out." Olivia says, pressing a kiss to my forehead.

"I'm sorry." I say again, the guilt starting to overwhelm me once again.

Lifting my chin with her free hand, Olivia brings my eyeline up to hers. Her deep brown orbs telling me just how much she means what she's just said.

"I love you." She says once more, before placing a gentle kiss to my lips. "Let's get you sorted and back to bed." Olivia says as I nod at her. She helps me to stand again, her grip on my wrist never wavering as she leads me towards my own bathroom to clean and dress my fresh wound.

* * *

I'm seriously losing direction with this story and I have no plan for an ending to it, I'm just writing whatever is coming to me, which is great but I'd really like to have some sort of ending in mind. Anyway, hope everyone is still enjoying it, even if it's quite dark. Hit review please x


	16. Chapter 16

It's been a little while since I updated this but the last two chapters I wrote killed off my mentality to update this for a few days/weeks.

Anyway, it will continue from the last chapter and I'm going to say the trigger warnings still apply but maybe not with as much intensity as previously.

Enjoy.

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Benson's POV

* * *

I'm at a serious loss right now. Never have I felt so helpless when it comes to a victim. Although this isn't just any victim, this is Amanda, this is the woman I care about, the woman I love. How did I not see this coming? All the years I've spent as an SVU detective, all the training, becoming attuned to the pain and suffering and I didn't even notice the pain of one of my own detectives. How?

Helping Amanda to stand, I carefully guide her towards her own bathroom, my tanned hand gripping her wrist tightly in a bid to stem the flow of blood. I have a feeling the last thing my detective wants right now is a trip to the ER. If I can save her that, I will. This is on me, I should have noticed sooner, should have got her help, SOONER.

Filling the wash basin with warm water, I keep my other hand still firmly grasped around Amanda's wrist. The flow of crimson liquid seems to have stopped, but I won't know for sure until I have cleaned it up and assessed the damage. With a bit of luck the blonde won't need stitches. Hopefully.

"This is probably going to sting." I tell Amanda as I slowly lower both of our hands into the warm water. The blonde immediately taking in a sharp breath. Slowly, cautiously I release my hand from the self inflicted wound, praying it doesn't begin to gush. Thankfully it doesn't, however the bright red fluid is still leaking slightly from the cut.

Once the blood is all cleaned away from Amanda's wrist and my own hands, I can see the cut isn't actually as deep as I first feared. Stitches and hospital won't be required. A small sense of relief washing over me at that fact alone. It doesn't last too long though. The blonde needs professional help, help I am not trained to be able to provide and I know broaching the subject isn't going to be an easy task and will probably result in some form of meltdown. But it needs to be said, she needs to get the proper help. I'll stand by her, every step of the way, but I can't give her the therapy she so desperately requires and deserves right now. I dress the wound, two fresh white bandages now covering the milky white flesh of her left arm.

We stand in silence in Amanda's bathroom. My hands softly holding hers. She hasn't said a word since we entered the room. Her eyes drawn to the floor the whole time.

"Amanda." I say softly, trying to catch her gaze. This whole ordeal has broken me, but I'd do anything for this woman. Anything at all, and if that means me feeling like this, then so be it.

"Amanda." I try again, her full blue gaze finally leaving the floor to meet my own eyes.

"I'm sorry you're seeing this." Amanda whispers softly.

"It is fine." I mutter, knowing full well it isn't, but what else can I say right now? Really?

"It's not. The pain I'm causing you, it's written all over your face." The blonde tells me as I trying unsuccessfully to school my features to my normally stoic expression. I take a deep breath, if Amanda is going to get help, this is probably the best time to attempt that conversation.

"You need professional help Amanda. Therapy." I tell her, my voice shaky.

"I, uh, I thought you said you care? That you want to be here?" Amanda responds, confusion written all over her face. She genuinely thinks I'm pushing her away, but that isn't what this is.

"I do. I'm not leaving. You, you just need better help than I can provide Amanda. I can't provide the level of care you need right now." I tell her, instantly regretting my choice of words as Amanda's expression changes from confusion, to anger.

"Liv, just leave. This is too much for you, it isn't fair, so go." She tells me, practically ripping her hands from my grip.

"No, I'm staying." I tell her, trying to keep my voice calm and level, even through the raging emotions I'm currently experiencing.

"Leave." The blonde all but yells in my face, causing me to flinch slightly.

"No." I say again, my voice still level.

"Olivia." Amanda growls. I know I'm not going to win here. I think for a second. If she really wants me to leave, I guess I have no choice, but I at least have to control the situation.

"Fine. You want me to leave, I will... but I'm going to need your gun." I tell her, earning me another look of confusion.

"What?" Amanda asks me incredulously.

"You heard me. I can not and will not leave you here, alone, knowing I may never see you again. So you want me to leave, that's fine, but imma need your service weapon." I tell her, authority evident in my voice as I speak.

"You suspending me?" The blonde asks, hurt etched all over her face.

"Work is the least of your worries right now Amanda." I tell her, reaching out to touch her arm, only for her to pull away.

"Are you suspending me?" She asks again, her voice filled with venom as she begins to pace the tiny bathroom.

"No." I tell her, knowing that suspending her right now isn't actually going to help. Work is the only constant in her life. I take that away and god only know what she would do.

"You need some time though Amanda. Take some vacation days. Please?" I practically beg as she stops her pacing abruptly.

"Stop telling me what I need, you're not my mother and you're not my girlfriend." The blonde spits.

"No, I'm not. I'm your boss, and I care about you. I, I love you." I tell her, trying to find a way to break through the anger without actually having to leave her alone. I don't want to leave Amanda alone, my own fears and concerns getting the better of me.

Amanda looks me dead in the eyes, her blue pools filled with emotion as her orbs well with unshed tears. Something finally having gotten through to her. Tentatively I take a step towards her, my arms stretched out. The blonde all but throws herself into my embrace, tumbling us both to the bathroom floor. I hold her tightly, her sobs falling freely from her lips. Her body trembling in my arms as I soothingly run a hand around her back. Desperate to calm and soothe her whilst also allowing the pent up emotion to escape.

"I need help." Amanda finally mumbled into my neck.

"I know. And you have me, always. But you also need therapy." I tell her calmly, a far cry from how I'm actually feeling. I'm feeling anything but calm.

"I know." Amanda stutters between sobs, finally accepting what I was saying. I can't help but to breathe a sigh of relief at the blonde actually admitting she needs help.

When Amanda's sobs finally subside, she leans back slightly in my embrace, her red puffy eyes meeting my own. Softly she places her lips against mine, a fleeting chaste kiss before she looks at me again.

"I'm sorry for yelling at you." She tells me with sincerity.

"You don't need to apologise." I tell her, brushing a stray strand of blonde hair from her face.

"I do, you were just trying to help." Amanda says softly.

"Honestly, I was expecting a worse reaction. I'll take the yelling any day." I tell her with the slightest of chuckles.

"Mmmm" Amanda mumbles in response, giving me the tiniest of smiles.

"Come on, let's get you back to bed. You look exhausted." I tell Amanda softly.

A few minutes later, we are both led in the blondes bed, her body impossibly close to mine, her head resting perfectly on my shoulder, her fingers drawing lazy little patterns across my stomach muscle over the top of the falcons jersey I borrowed earlier. A silence spreading calmly throughout the apartment.

"So you love me?" Amanda asks, shifting slightly to look up into my eyes.

"Yeah." I respond, taking a rather large gulp, unsure of where this conversation is going to go. Amanda leans up and places her lips to mine before returning to her position of having her head on my shoulder.

"I love you too Liv." The blonde mutters, her voice laden with the quickly approaching slumber, taking over her body.

* * *

Hit review :) x


	17. Chapter 17

Sorry for the delay in updating. Sometimes life just gets in the way, or more work gets in the way. And as a friend keeps telling me... it would be better if we were millionaires so we could do what we enjoyed!

Anyway, enjoy!

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General POV

* * *

Weeks had passed. The case involving Elena and her stepfather had been closed. Eventually the young girl had made a statement, with her mothers support. The SVU team arresting and prosecuting Andy, who was to spend the foreseeable future in the comfort of Greenhaven Correctional. Unfortunately, just after the trial, Elena's mother had taken a turn for the worst and was now fighting for her life at Mercy Hospital. Her outcome looked bleak, but Elena's grandparents had stepped up, becoming her legal guardian for the next however many years. The girl was going to be ok, with time and copious amounts of therapy, she would survive and begin to heal.

Amanda hadn't yet returned to work, but she had been attending regular therapy sessions of her own. Going a few times a week for the first couple of weeks. Now she was only attending once a week and was honestly looking forward to returning to some semblance of a routine with work. Her cuts had healed, leaving only angry red scars which were easy enough to hide with long sleeves. Manhattan was cold, so there was little chance anyone would even suspect anything through the majority of the year. Olivia hadn't left her side, except to go to the precinct. Whenever Olivia wasn't at work, she was with the blonde detective, holding her, talking, generally spending time together.

After the weekend that Elena's case had hit the precinct, the two women had gone to Olivia's apartment, the lieutenants home slightly larger than Amanda's. It had been hard, on both of them. Amanda had so many demons that she'd never properly dealt with, whilst Olivia was afraid to leave Amanda for even a second. Genuinely scared for her life. It had taken almost four days for the younger woman to convince her that she was going to be fine when Olivia returned home in the evening.

The first few days, Olivia felt the need to hide all the sharp objects in her house, as well as locking up anything she thought Amanda could use to do harm to herself, their service weapons included. Not having her gun in her nightstand drawer at night made the brunette very restless the first couple of nights, the weapon like a safety net since William Lewis had taken her hostage in her own home. It was never not on her, but in just a short space of time, she'd started to relax, almost forget she ever needed it when not working.

By the third day of being in Olivia's apartment alone, the blonde was getting irritated. All she wanted was a cheese sandwich, but even that proved difficult with the lack of sharp kitchen instruments. The dinner knives not quite cutting it when it came to slicing cheese. Amanda had sent her boss a text message making her opinion on the matter known as well.

 **Liv, I need the knives back in the kitchen! All I want is a fucking cheese sandwich and I can't even cut the bastard block into slices x**

Olivia had smiled to herself at the message, but she was also still worried. How could she not be? The woman she loved was struggling, and whilst she trusted her when she'd said she would be ok, nothing could stop the overwhelming concern that regularly passed through her mind.

Later that evening when the brunette had arrived home, she'd put the knives back where they belonged. She knew she couldn't wrap Amanda in cotton wool and protect her forever. The blonde had had a couple of therapy sessions already and was returning to her normally quick witted and snarky self more often than not. Things were beginning to look up, so Olivia had to trust her. Had to give her the benefit of the doubt.

* * *

Rollins POV

* * *

Four weeks, I've been off of work taking personal time for four weeks. Today is hopefully the last session before I return to my normal daily routine of being an SVU detective by day and staying with Olivia by night. Being away from work is slowly driving me crazier than I felt before. There's only so many times you can clean someone else's apartment or watch the same daytime shows on repeat before it's annoying. I reached that stage two weeks ago, but Dr. Trinant had said I needed longer. She had suggested another two weeks, all that leading up to today. With a little luck, today she'll tell me I'm ok to at least return to work. Whilst she isn't a department therapist, and can't actually stop me from returning to work, I do want to get better, so not matter how painful the time off has been, I've done as I'm told.

Olivia has been nothing short of amazing. Always by my side except for the hours she's been at work. Holding me through flashbacks and nightmares which have been becoming much less frequent, making sure I'm eating, keeping me talking, and providing company, love and support. Honestly, I'm surprised she's put up with me, I know I can be snarky and obnoxious at time, especially when I'm not getting my own way, but she's taken it all in her stride. Never for a second letting me push her away. Even when I really tried.

Sitting in the waiting room of Dr. Trinant's office I flash back to my first therapy session, just short of four weeks ago.

 _"Miss Rollins?" The greying, older woman called softly whilst leaning around her office door._

 _"Detective." Amanda responded shortly. She'd always hated being called Miss since she'd got her badge._

 _"Sorry, Detective Rollins. Please come in." The doctor said softly, with a gentle smile._

 _Amanda stood, her arms flopping like a stroppy teenager as she stalked into Dr. Trinant's office before exasperatedly dropping down onto an empty chair._

 _"Detective. Can I call you Amanda?" The woman had asked. Earning a weary nod from the blonde._

 _"Ok, Amanda. How can I help?" Her tone almost too soft, almost annoying as she tried her best to coax Amanda to talk._

 _"I don't want to talk." Amanda had snapped._

 _"Ok, that's fine. Why don't you tell me about yourself first? Let's start there?" Dr Trinant suggested._

It had taken almost the full hour before Amanda had admitted even a tiny glimmer of what was going on that had caused her to attend the session. An hour of talking about trivial things like favourite foods, hobbies, even the weather. When she'd run out of distraction topics, she'd blurted out; "my stepfather abused me". Nothing more, just that one statement. Of course, ever the professional, Dr. Trinant had taken it in her stride and asked how she felt about that, earning a well practiced scowl in return.

"Amanda?" Dr. Trinant called softly, pulling me from my memories of only a few weeks earlier. I give her a soft smile before standing and making my way into her office. Once we were both seated comfortably, the doctor began her session in the same way she had multiple times over the last few weeks.

"How are you feeling today?" She asked, smiling at me.

"Pretty good actually." I tell her honestly.

"That's good. You look calm, happy." Dr Trinant agreed.

"I am. These sessions are really helping me. But I'm really ready to get back to work." I try, careful not to push too hard.

"Ok, do you think you're up to it?" She asks me. I think for a very short second.

"I know I am. Olivia and I have talked about it extensively. She understands the situation and is fully aware of the fact that some cases will cause some PTSD and flashbacks. I guess I'm just lucky she's my boss and not some stuck up asshole that has zero clue." I tell her with a chuckle, smiling at the thought of just how patient and caring Olivia has been.

"You're very lucky to have a woman that cares about you so much as your boss." She tells me and I nod, agreeing fully with her.

"So what do you think?" I ask her.

"Well you think you're ready, you clearly have the support so I'm happy to agree. But, you'll need to be aware that some cases, they will trigger you." She reaffirms, telling me what I already know.

"I know. That's what got me here in the first place." I respond, suppressing the eye roll I can feel coming on.

"So about Olivia. How are things with you two?" Dr. Trinant asks cautiously.

I know what she's getting at. Except for a handful of that first weekend and an extortionate amount of cuddling over the last few weeks, we just exist in the same apartment. There's no labels on our relationship, it's almost like two friends just living together.

"Well, they're just the same. We cuddle up to each other on the couch, we talk, we even sleep in the same bed most nights but we haven't discussed our relationship at all. I know she loves me, she made that clear when she stayed with me for the whole weekend, seeing me in one of my lowest states, but I'm too scared to take it further. I mean, what if I can't get passed the flashbacks enough to let her touch me intimately or so I can touch her?" I ask, suddenly feeling very shy.

"From what you've told me about Olivia, she understands fully. She isn't going to push you into something you're not ready for..."

"No, no, I know. That's not what I mean. What I meant was, will I ever be able to?" I interrupt.

"Be able to what? Be intimate with someone?" She asks and I nod, my cheeks glowing with embarrassment at this conversation. "Of course you will, but don't force it. Wait until you're ready." She tells me.

"What if I'm never ready?" I ask, suddenly worried that if I can give Olivia what she wants, what she needs that she won't want to spend time with me anymore.

"I think you need to tell Olivia how you feel, about her, your relationship, and about sex. Amanda if you don't, you'll never know and eventually it will eat away at you." Dr. Trinant tells me gently. I know she's right, the relationship I have with Olivia needs to be defined at the very least, and sooner rather than later.

"Ok, that's your homework for this week. Talk to Olivia. I'll see you at the same time next week." The older woman tells me. I nod and nod her farewell before leaving her office.

She's right, I owe it to myself and Olivia to tell her exactly how I feel, about her and our relationship. I make my way down the stairs from the seventh floor, taking the time to think carefully about how I can do this.

"I can do this." I mutter to myself, as I reach the bottom step.

Exiting the office block I pull my cigarettes from my pocket and quickly spark one up. Olivia hates that I smoke, but she accepts it's a bad habit, one I'll get rid of when I'm ready. As I inhale the smoke, I look up, seeing my lieutenant's car parked on by the sidewalk. I can't even contain the smile that crosses my face as she rolls the window down and I make my way over to the vehicle, standing on the sidewalk whilst I finish my cigarette.

"Hey." Olivia greets me, her smile matching my own.

"Hey yourself." I respond with the slightest hint of flirtation in my voice. "Not that I'm not happy to see you, but why are you here?" I ask her.

"I was in the neighbourhood." Olivia tries, even though I know she's been in court all day.

"Liar." I tell her with a smirk.

"I, uh, I just thought I'd come see if you wanted to get some dinner?" Olivia asks me suddenly completely nervous. I didn't think it was possible to smile until your cheeks hurt, but in that moment, I'm proved wrong.

"Are you asking me out to dinner or on a date lieutenant Benson?" I ask her teasingly. Usually I'd just answer her but the nervousness of her behaviour just begs me to toy with her just the tiniest amount.

"Oh, I don't know Detective. You know you would like to go on a date with me" Olivia responds with a smirk, her confidence suddenly returning.

"You know it." I tell her, before rounding the car to get into the passenger seat.

* * *

So this chapter was sort of a turning point, away from the totally angsty stuff towards an actual relationship for Amanda and Olivia, hence the time lapse. Plus with my delay in updating, it felt kind of right.

Hit review please ;)


	18. Chapter 18

Thanks for all the reviews. I really appreciate them. Here is the next instalment. Things are starting to look up and improve... Enjoy!

* * *

Benson's POV

* * *

Somehow today has been a slow day. Filled with court, paperwork and boredom, waiting for a reasonable time to escape the precinct after court finished early and head home to Amanda. I've been getting out of work at a mostly decent hour the last few weeks. Unable to actually stay away from my blonde detective. It started as concern for her welfare, now though, now I can't seem to want to be anywhere but with her. Enjoying just spending time with her, cuddled up on the couch, talking, just being close.

I've been wanting to actually ask Amanda on a date, to finally put some sort of label on our relationship. But it hasn't been the right time. Yes she's been visibly better the last couple of weeks, however I know I can't push her too hard. She's been through a lot. I don't know all of it, only snippets of her past, but I want to know everything about her. I want to be there for her, to love her the way she deserves.

Glancing at the clock again, I realise I've been lost in my own thoughts for a while now. It's nearly time for Amanda's therapy session to be over so I begin to gather up my things, deciding that tonight I'm going to at least try to take her out for dinner.

"Fin, I'm heading out." I tell my sergeant as I approach his desk.

"Ok Liv. Tell Amanda I say hi." He asks me as I fumble in my bag looking for the car keys.

"Call me if you need Ok?" I tell him, he just smiles and waves me away.

Fin doesn't know any details of what Amanda has been through, or what she's currently battling with, but he does know she's been staying with me and that she's been in therapy. He is her partner after all, I had to tell him something when I returned to work after that weekend and my detective didn't. But Fin, being Fin, didn't pry and didn't push for information, he just accepted what I was telling him. Never one for being overly interfering, something I've been eternally grateful for over the years. Especially after Sealview.

My drive across town is relaxing, for once the traffic isn't too bad and I pull up outside the office block about two minutes before Amanda is due to leave. So I wait, in silence, until she appears.

Of course the first thing she does as she exits the building is spark up one of those blasted cancer sticks. I can't help the roll of my eyes, but at the same time I smile. She looks relaxed, more relaxed than I've seen her in months.

As Amanda spots me, I roll down the window, the blonde approaching my door. I know she won't get into the car until she's finished smoking. She knows my disdain for the habit, and she's conscientious of it, which I appreciate.

"Hey." I greet her, smiling widely.

"Hey yourself." Amanda responds, with a hint of something I haven't heard before, flirtation maybe? "Not that I'm not happy to see you, but why are you here?" She asks.

"I was in the neighbourhood." I tell her, playing along slightly. It's not like I've picked her up after her sessions before today.

"Liar." She fires straight back, smirking at me.

"I, uh, I just thought I'd come see if you wanted to get some dinner?" I ask, suddenly feeling extremely nervous. I don't even know why, we have eaten together most nights for the last month. My cheeks beginning to flush.

"Are you asking me out to dinner or on a date lieutenant Benson?" The blonde teases me. This is definitely a side of this woman I could get used to. The confident, playful side.

"Oh, I don't know Detective. Would you like to go on a date with me?" I ask her, obviously trying to flirt with her, appearing a lot more confident than I actually feel right now.

"You know it." Amanda responds, rounding the car and climbing into the passenger seat beside me. "So where are we going?" She asks as I put the car into gear.

"I plead the fifth." I tell her with a smile. The truth is I have thought extensively about where I would take this woman for a first date. How I would want it to be completely perfect, but with it now here and happening, I'm at a complete loss. There's a nice Italian place not far from my apartment that I had thought of taking her to. I just hadn't envisioned this date actually happening, and that alone has thrown me slightly.

"You know that isn't fair." Amanda pouts as I grin wider.

"And why is that?" I ask, removing my right hand from the wheel and reaching across to take the blondes smaller hand.

"I hate surprises. And I'm a cop. Surprises and guns don't go well together." Amanda tells me and I have to chuckle, she isn't wrong.

"But this is a good surprise, and you don't have a gun right now." I tell her, only slightly teasing since I know it's my fault she doesn't have her firearm.

"True. But I will tomorrow." She tells me grinning brightly.

"What?" I ask, confused.

"Dr. Trinant reckons I'm ready to return to work." Amanda beams.

"Oh Amanda that's amazing news. I'm really happy for you." I respond sincerely. The blonde is much like myself and hates time off. The free time allowing too much space to think about everything.

"Thank you Liv." The blonde says after a few minutes of silence, placing a soft kiss to my cheek.

"Um, what for?" I ask, once again confused.

"For being here, for being you, for helping me." Amanda says.

"Anytime Amanda. You know I'd do anything for you." And I really would, anything she wanted or needed, I would do it at the drop of a hat.

The rest of the journey continues in silence. I'm glad Amanda is able to get back to work, really I am, but does that mean she's going back home? I've kind of got used to having her around, I enjoy having her in my home.

"Amanda, does this mean you're moving back home?" I ask nervously as I park the car outside the little Italian place I'd had in mind.

"I, uh, I hadn't thought about it. Did you want me to?" Amanda asks, equally as nervous as I was.

"You don't have to." I tell her. Whilst not actually answering her question honestly. I look out of the windshield, refusing to meet her gaze because of my own insecurities at the idea of not having her in my apartment.

"Maybe this is a bad idea?" The blonde half says, half asks whilst waving her hand between us. Her tone indicating a hint of hurt. Her demeanour getting agitated.

I sit in silence for a moment, unsure of how to actually explain what I'm feeling. Amanda takes this as me agreeing that it's a bad idea and moves to exit the car, my hand reaching for her wrist before she can climb out of the now open door. The blonde hesitates, her legs already swung round to exit the vehicle.

"Wait a second." I tell her. Needing a moment to try and find the words I really want to say.

"Ok." Amanda responds, moving her legs again and closing the door to stop the intrusion of the chill New York air as I take a deep, steadying breath.

"All I know, is I want you in my life. As more than colleagues, more than friends. But we haven't even discussed what this is between us yet." I tell her honestly, chancing a quick glance at Amanda's face. Her expression is unreadable, extraordinarily stoic in fact. Her brain clearly working overtime, until her features soften slightly.

"Let's go eat and talk about it?" Amanda asks, surprising both of us. Never has the blonde been one for talking about something, at least not until recently.

"Ok." I tell her, exiting the car to enter the little restaurant.

* * *

General POV

* * *

Twenty minutes later, both women were situated towards the back of the small Italian restaurant, eating their meals. They had barely exchanged a word since entering the building. Both nervous about the outcome of the conversation they knew needed to take place.

Olivia wanted to tell Amanda how much she wanted her to stay, move in even. But at the same time was that a good way to start a relationship between them? It wasn't like they hadn't basically been living together for the last month anyway. They'd only spent time apart when Olivia was at work or Amanda was at her therapy sessions over the last month. Even when they hadn't slept in the same bed, the blonde had still been in Olivia's apartment.

Amanda had all these fears about how they would manage to hold onto a relationship without it becoming about her inability to put out at the moment. It wasn't that she didn't even want to have sex with Olivia. She really did, but since the flashbacks started again, she couldn't suppress the overwhelming concern that she'd freak out.

"Amanda?" Olivia finally interrupted her thoughts, needing to address the elephant in the room.

"Mmmm." Amanda signalled she was listening, or at least half listening, as she pushed her food around her plate, slouched back in her chair.

"I don't want you to move back home." Olivia tells her, the brunettes voice low and nervous. The admission causing the blonde to stop playing with her food and look up from her plate. "I said it that first weekend, and I'll say it again. I love you. However long it takes, whatever happens, I'm not going anywhere."

"You mean that?" Amanda asks her, surprise by the admission.

"I do." Olivia confirms with a soft smile, reaching across the table for Amanda's free hand. Giving it a gentle squeeze.

"We're really going to do this? You really want a relationship with someone as screwed up as me?" The blonde asks again needing confirmation.

"Amanda, you aren't screwed up. You've been through a lot. It doesn't make you a bad person. If you want this, it's what I want." Olivia tells her with conviction.

A silence falls over them again as Amanda thinks over what has just been said. A few moments pass before a smile begins to spread across her face.

"I want this Liv. I want an intimate relationship with you. It will take time, but I want it." She finally agrees.

"I know it's going to take time. But I can and will wait, you're worth it." The older brunette tells her with a huge grin.

Amanda leans over the table and captures Olivia's lips in a soft kiss. Cementing What has just been said between then. It's the first time they have kissed since that weekend a month ago. It's soft and quick, but leaves them both wanting more of the contact.

"Come on, let's go home." Amanda tells Olivia, downing the rest of her beer.

Once the check is paid, they head out into the icy Manhattan weather and Olivia's car, only for the blonde to stop and take hold of her lieutenants wrist next to the vehicle before she has chance to move to the drivers side.

"What is it Amanda?" She asks, worried for a second.

"I just" the younger woman starts, taking a small step closer, "I need" another small step, her hands moving to Olivia's hips "to" inching onto her tiptoes, Amanda places another kiss on Olivia's lips, the lip lock lasting a little longer this time. Nothing ferocious, or heated about it, just the need to be close.

When Amanda drops back to flat feet, effectively breaking the kiss. Olivia looks at her, smiling.

"Come on, it's cold, let's go home." The brunette tells her, rounding the car and entering the vehicle.

The drive back to Olivia's apartment is comfortably quiet, Amanda watching her as she manoeuvres the streets with ease, taking short cut after short cut.

As soon as they were inside of Olivia's apartment, the brunette found her back meeting harshly with the solid wood of her door, momentarily stunned as Amanda's lips met her own in a far more heated kiss than any of the previous they had shared. The blondes body pressed tightly against her own. Amanda's soft lips working expertly against Olivia's plump mouth. The younger woman's tongue tracing her bottom lip, begging for entrance, which she readily allowed, just about holding back the moan in her throat. Their tongues battling playfully and intensely until air became a major issue. Both women's chests heaving with desire, trying to catch their breath as Amanda wasn't willing to break the contact and instead trailed open mouthed kisses along her lieutenants jaw to her ear and down her neck, forcefully sucking on her pulse point, causing her to moan involuntarily.

Olivia was rapidly losing every last shred of self control she possessed, but she knew this needed to stop. Amanda wasn't ready. She couldn't undo all the progress the blonde had made over the last month because of pure desire. As Amanda's hands moved to push her jacket off of Olivia's shoulders, the brunette caught them.

"Amanda." She managed to strangle out. Her actions causing the blonde to take a very small step back, removing her mouth from Olivia's neck in the process.

"Sorry." The blonde said sheepishly.

"It's ok. We should wait, I want you to be ready." Olivia told her hoping she would understand.

"I got a little carried away. Can we cuddle up on the couch?" Amanda asked suddenly very nervous and unsure of herself.

"Of course, just, uh, give me a few minutes." Olivia answered, placing her hands lightly on Amanda's hips to distance push the blonde slightly further away, before breaking all contact, closing her eyes and leaning her head back against the door.

"You Ok there?" Amanda asked, even with her eyes closed, Olivia could tell the blonde was feeling pretty proud of the affects she had clearly had on her.

"Mhm. Just need a second." Olivia answered, not opening her eyes.

Amanda marvelled at the control of the woman in front of her. Closing the distance between then slowly, she softly placed a chaste kiss on Olivia's lips before dropping her voice and speaking.

"I'm going to change, give you a minute." She said, her breath washing over Olivia's face for a split second before she was gone.

* * *

So things heated up for a second there... how long can they hold out for? I love reviews ;) x


	19. Chapter 19

I need to apologise because it's looking like maybe I'm going to only be able to update this a couple of times a week now. My job has gone crazy, but I just wanted to say I am still here, still contemplating updates etc.

Enjoy!

* * *

Rollins POV

* * *

"You Ok there?" I ask Olivia, a playful smirk on my lips, even though she can't see me. I never thought I would have this affect on a woman of my Lieutenant's stature.

"Mhm. Just need a second." Olivia responds.

The self control of this amazing woman is something on a completely new level. I mean, I basically just lead her on, kissed her like I wanted to take her to bed, which in all fairness I do, only to have her put a stop to it. And not because she doesn't want to, but for my benefit. The way she's stood right now, that eases any fears I have about Olivia not wanting me, but to have the self control to stop a rapidly escalating situation, for me, that is awe striking, astounding, unfathomable even. It's the exact opposite of what I'm used to in my life, in my past relationships.

Closing the distance between us I place a quick, soft kiss on Olivia's lips, before dropping my voice just a little and speaking.

"I'm going to change, give you a minute." I say, letting my hot breath wash over her. I'm sure I see my Lieutenant visibly shudder before leaving her stood against the door.

I know it's a little unfair of me, but I can't resist teasing her just a little more.

For the first time in a long time, I feel like myself, I feel safe. I know, regardless of my behaviour, Olivia would never push. Never force me into something I'm not ready for. And if I'm completely honest with myself, that kiss, it worked me up as well.

I think carefully whilst I'm changing, throwing on some sweatpants in preference to jeans and removing my button down to leave me in just the white tank I had been wearing underneath. I let my mind wander. Thinking for the first time about my childhood and things I had been told, taught. And for a change, it doesn't give me flashbacks or send me into some crazy downward spiral. Part of me wishes I'd got therapy sooner, but then I don't know if I'd be in this situation right now. In the home of a woman who loves me, that would do anything for me.

Something marginally useful comes to mind, something my stepfather had said to me that had always stuck with me. Something that wasn't included in all the heinous things he had actually done to me.

"Hey, Liv." I say as I exit the bedroom, and pad down the hallway back to the living room. When I get there, I'm surprised to see that she hasn't moved from her position against the front door. Her eyes slowly starting to flutter open. I stay at the entrance to the living room, leaning against the wall with my shoulder and my arms folded over my chest. Just watching her.

She may actually be the most beautiful person I've ever seen.

"You want to change?" I ask, flashing her a lopsided smirk as I speak.

"Yeah, I think I will." She answers, pushing herself off of the door, but staying stood where she is.

"Quick question, before you change?" I ask, still grinning at her.

"What's that?" Olivia answers.

"When was the last time you, you know?" My confidence faltering slightly.

"The last time I what?" She asks, her own lips curling at the question.

"Had an orgasm?" I ask, my eyes trained on the door behind her, unable to meet her gaze.

"When was the last time you did?" She fires straight back.

"Liv." I warn her. I want an answer to this question. Partly for interest, and partly because I don't want to be the reason she's so clearly frustrated right now.

"Honestly?" Olivia asks me.

"Yeah." I respond, willing myself to look into her deep, brown pools.

"I don't remember." She answers somewhat embarrassedly, taking a brief pause before asking me why.

"Curiosity, sort of, and I don't want you suffering for me. I was changing and something my stepfather said once came to me." I tell her.

"And what was that?" Olivia asks, raising her eyebrow questioningly.

"He used to tell me, five percent of women masturbate, the other ninety five lie about it. I never really knew if he liked the idea of me touching myself or what, or if it was true, but everyone needs a release once in a while." I tell her, raising one of my own perfectly sculpted eyebrows at her, a smile playing on my lips.

"Is that so?" Olivia asks, and I just nod in response. "So, based on that information, what's your answer to the earlier question?" She asks playfully.

"Liv. That's not fair." I tell her, pouting.

"How is it not fair? I answered your question." She asks me with a chuckle.

"Yeah, but, I was not expecting you to say you didn't remember." I try to argue my point, but that look she has on her face, I know I'm going to have to answer her question. I started this conversation and now she isn't going to let me out of it.

"Well?" Olivia asks.

"Liv." I whine, sounding like a petulant child.

"Amanda." She says back, as she finally takes the steps towards me and away from the front door.

"Ugh, fine. You really want to know?" I ask, buying myself more time.

"Yes, I do." She tells me with conviction, even with a completely huge grin on her face.

"Yesterday." I tell her, before ducking my head and trying to round Olivia and head to the kitchen. My cheeks flushed with embarrassment. I don't, however make it far, as Olivia's hand grips my wrist to stop me just as I'm about to pass by her. I look from her hand on my wrist, following her arm, all the way up to her lips, before finally stopping at her eyes.

"Yesterday?" Olivia repeats.

"Yeah." I state simply.

"Uh, what made you, um, want to?" She asks.

"Liv." I whine again. She's really going to make me tell her exactly why.

"Seriously, I want to know." She tells me, and I know as much as it's embarrassing to talk about, I did start this. I take a deep breath, gathering my thoughts, trying to steady myself before I admit what I'm about to.

"Did you even think about what you were wearing when you got dressed for work yesterday morning?" I ask her as my mind flashes back to the outfit she had chosen to wear.

Black slacks, a black button down shirt with the sleeves rolled up just about her elbows, and that black waistcoat. Whenever she wore that waistcoat it did things to me, drive me just a little crazy with want. But seeing her wearing it, whilst I was lying in her bed, that was an entirely different level of crazy want, need even.

"I always think about what I'm wearing to work Amanda." She tells me with a grin. I barely manage to suppress the groan at her answer.

"Well, that waistcoat, is very, _very_ hot." I tell her honestly, not caring to elaborate further.

"I'm, um, I'm going to go shower and change. See you in a few." Olivia tells me, and I'm fairly sure the whole point of this conversation has just got through to her, especially since changing has now turned into changing and a shower.

"Have fun." I tell her with a smirk, before placing a quick kiss on her lips and heading to the kitchen for a beer.

Never in a million years, did I think I'd be talking to Olivia about self pleasure, or basically suggesting she followed through with it. Granted I always hoped that I would be able to fulfill her needs as her girlfriend. Wait, I know we agreed to a relationship, but does that even make Benson my girlfriend. But then, everything happened with Elena, and no matter how badly I want to fall into bed with this woman, everyone, me included, doesn't think I'm ready for that just yet.

I want to be ready. I want to be able to give Olivia everything she deserves in a relationship. And I will, one way or anything, soon or later, I will.

* * *

Ok so this is a little shorter than I intended, but it's sort of a filler chapter between the date and Amanda going back to work. Expect things to continue to heat up between them shortly though. Reviews are love and all that, hit it ;) x


	20. Chapter 20

I'm sorry once again for the delay in updating. This whole adulting thing is really getting in the way of being able to write. Such is life and all that.

Enjoy!

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Rollins POV

So I'm finally here, finally waking up on the day I return to work after just over four weeks off. Four hellish weeks of dealing with my own assault and rape, my own childhood trauma. It's not something I ever thought would happen but it did and I've got through it. With the support of my girlfriend, and my therapist. I know I'm not just healed and it's going to take an undetermined amount of time until I can function completely normally, but I feel like a small child right now, excited for the first day of school or something. I feel like I've made a lot of progress. I still have flashbacks and nightmares, but I no longer lash out when I do, and I seem to be able to ground myself a lot quicker now. It's taken a lot of work and patience, from both myself and Olivia.

Lying beside my lieutenant and girlfriend I think back over the last few weeks. My brain settling on one particularly bad day.

* * *

 _Olivia had gone to work like normal, leaving me to my own devices. I'd gotten up and dressed ready for my therapy session across town in an hour. When I left the house I felt good, almost like my old self. Confident to be walking down the street by myself. Everything had been fine until the therapy session. It was my eighth session, just approaching the end of my second week off of work._

 _That was the day I finally gave Dr. Trinant the details of my abuse, the details of my rape. Previously we had just been skirting around it, myself not ready to relive it again._

 _When the session finished, I knew I couldn't go home. If I went home, chances were that Olivia would be coming home to me bleeding, or probably worse. The pain of reliving my teenage years far too raw once again. My willingness to carry on with my life fading rapidly. So instead I crossed the road to the bar opposite my therapist's office. Doing something I hadn't done for nearly two weeks, drinking._

 _As I stepped into the bar, I realised it was quiet inside. But then it was the middle of the day, most people were at work, living their lives. I ordered a whiskey, quickly downing it and getting a top up from the woman tending the bar. Somewhat grateful it wasn't a man._

 _Hours later, I was beyond drunk, belligerently so in fact. My phone ringing incessantly on the bar in front of me. I knew it was Olivia, but I wasn't ready to face the wrath of Benson just yet so I kept drinking, my phone continuing to ring almost constantly. Eventually the woman behind the bar had got annoyed by the persistent ring of my cell and picked it up off the bar and answered it, much to my dismay._

 _"Amanda?" Someone said from behind me, causing me to spin on my stool at the bar and almost fall off. A giggle escaping my lips._

 _"Liv." I said between chuckles. She looked beyond pissed, I remember it clearly now, even through my alcohol fuelled haze._

 _"What do you think you're doing?" She had snapped._

 _"What's it look like?" I snarled back, turning back to my drink, finishing it and signalling for another. The barmaid however declined, Olivia clearly having shook her head behind me._

 _"This has to stop Amanda." Olivia had told me, I knew she was right, but I was angry, and drunk._

 _"What does Lieutenant?" I spat back at her, the venom in my town causing the older woman to flinch._

 _"The drinking, the self destructive behaviour. If it doesn't stop I'll be forced to suspend you." She had told me solemnly._

 _"Not like it matters, I'm already on leave at your day so, I basically am suspended." I had fired right back at her. Quite articulate for someone that had probably consumed near on a whole bottle of the amber spirit at this point._

 _"Come on, let's get you home." The brunette had said, her tone seeming to calm suddenly._

 _Olivia had managed to get me back to her apartment, somehow supporting me and my drunken uncoordinated limbs into her car and up to her home._

 _Nothing however had prepared me for the sobering, ice cold shower that the older woman had all but thrown me into fully clothed though._

* * *

Chuckling to myself quietly at the memory of the shower, I return to the present.

"What are you giggling about?" Olivia asks me sleepily, obviously having just woken up.

"Just thinking." I respond noncommittally.

"About what?" The brunette asks me as she turns onto her side, her head propped up on her left elbow, her right arm resting over my stomach above the covers.

"About the time you threw my drunk ass in that freezing cold shower to sober me up." I tell her chuckling again.

"Mmmm, not one of your finest moments Amanda. Not one of mine either." Olivia tells me and I wonder why it wasn't one of hers.

"Why not one of your finer moments? You handled it well considering just how drunk I was." I tell her honestly.

"I was angry, worried. And I let my emotions cloud my judgement. It was unfair of me to make you take an ice cold shower, even to sober you up." My Lieutenant admits.

"Maybe, once in a while, you should let your feelings and emotions cloud your judgement Liv?" I tell her, changing the tone of our conversation to something entirely different. The sexual tension immediately rising as my fingers trail lightly over my girlfriend's arm leaving goosebumps in their wake.

"Come on, we need to get to work. The guys are looking forward to seeing you." Olivia says, almost jumping from her bed, leaving me perplexed but amused once more.

Just over an hour later, we are walking into the precinct. Ready to face the day. I won't lie, I'm a little apprehensive, but Olivia has been a saint, as usual. Keeping my calm, talking to me about mundane things, trying to keep my brain busy.

"Are we, are we ok to walk in together?" I ask Olivia, stopping abruptly at the steps outside the 1-6.

"Of course, the guys know you've been staying with me." My girlfriend tells me, a smile gracing her face.

"Ok, how much do they know? About us?" I ask tentatively.

"Nothing." Olivia tells me.

"Ok." I say, Olivia placing her hand on my shoulder softly.

"We only made it official last night, and we haven't told the higher powers yet, until we disclose our relationship we need to keep it quiet Amanda." The brunette tells me, and I know she's right, especially seeing as it will probably result in a transfer for one of us.

"I know, I know. I'm just nervous about going in there." I admit through a trembling voice.

"You don't have to come back yet, if you're not ready." Olivia tells me.

"I am ready, work isn't the problem here." I tell her, taking a deep breath before I continue, "I just don't think I can spend the whole day in the same building as you and not kiss you, not touch you."

"Well, you need to try. I know it's going to be hard for both of us, but we can do this." My girlfriend tells me.

I nod at her with a smile before we enter the building.

"Amanda." Fin almost shouts from his desk as we enter the squad room, Olivia's had resting softly against my lower back before disappearing altogether.

"Hi Fin." I greet my partner, the older man throwing his arms around me. I notice Olivia slip into her office and drop her bag before turning to watch Fin and I conversing animatedly. A smile of the older woman's face.

Thankfully, the squad has no cases at present, just a mountain of paperwork, making my first day back both slow and easy. About half way through the morning I feel Olivia's gaze on me. It's a feeling I've become very attuned to over the last few weeks. A feeling that fills me with warmth. Without looking up from my desk, I pick up my cell and fire off a message to my girlfriend.

 **Stop watching me, its distracting x**

Placing my cell back on the wooden surface, face down, I finally look up, meeting Olivia's eyes with my own. A grin spreading across my face as she picks up her cell, her thumbs speeding away on the screen of her device.

 **Sorry, but you look beautiful today. And I've missed seeing you out there x**

I'm positive my grin gets wider, and at that moment fin decides to look up from his desk.

"You look happy." He tells me, the interruption in my thoughts of Olivia causing me to jump slightly and my eyes go wide.

"Uh yeah, I guess I am." I stutter slightly, hearing a quiet chuckle from Olivia in her office, which causes my face to redden slightly. Feeling my cell vibrate I look down at the message displayed prominently on my screen.

 **You look so cute when you're flustered x**

I roll my eyes, as a playful smirk crosses my lips.

 **You were the one that was flustered last night, leaning back against your front door after a fairly small amount of kissing x**

I fire back, turning the conversation from innocent to downright sexual in an instant. If Olivia Benson wants to tease me, I can certainly play that game.

"So who's got you smiling like that?" Fin asks, pulling my attention back from my phone again.

"Oh no one. Just someone playing games they won't win." I tell him, dropping my gaze back to my computer screen in a bid to hid the flush of my cheeks and the grin on my face. My cell buzzing once again.

 **And you were the one that caused that reaction Amanda x**

I read Olivia's message, the tone turning slightly more serious, probably in an attempt to steer it away from the building tension between us, but I'm not about to allow Olivia to win this situation. My thumbs flying over the screen with my response.

 **So how was your shower last night? Release any tension? x**

I can't help but feel pleased with myself, I know full well that my series of playful banter with my girlfriend and boss is going to land me in hot water, but she is very distracting. Watching me as I try to work.

 **Wouldn't you like to know? x**

I don't even hesitate with my response, the idea of Liv in the shower, pleasing herself doing absolutely nothing for my rising libido.

 **Actually, yes I would. I'd also like to release said tension for you x**

I know I'm playing a dangerous game here, but my girlfriend started this and never will I be someone to back away from a challenge.

 **Amanda x**

I snort at my lieutenants response, clearly trying to put a stop to this conversation.

"You Ok Amanda?" Fin asks suspiciously from across his monitor.

"Yeah all good." I answer him, not looking up from my cell screen.

 **Olivia x**

 **We're at work x**

 **Well you shouldn't have started something you can't finish then x**

I tease her, never letting up. She can't just stare at me from her office like that, and she needs to know what it does to me.

 **Oh I can finish it x**

 **Prove it x**

"Rollins, my office. Now." Olivia says from the doorway.

Slipping my cell into my pocket, I stand and follow her into the confines of her office. Standing in front of her desk as she closes the door and the blinds behind me.

"Everything ok Liv?" I ask.

"Mhm." She responds as she wraps her arms around me from behind.

"You sure? You feel a little warm there." I continue to tease, the heat of her body permeating through both of our clothes to my own skin.

"Yeah. I just needed to wrap my arms around you." She tells me softly, her hot breath washing over my neck, before she places a kiss on the bare skin.

Olivia places kisses on the exposed flesh of my neck as she holds me tightly. Eventually I turn in her arms, meeting her lips with my own. We share a few kisses before Olivia leaves my arms and returns to the other side of her desk, opening her top drawer and pulling out my service weapon.

"Here. This is yours." She tells me as she slides it across the surface towards me.

"Thanks." I smile at her.

"You sure I'm ready to have this back? I'm only on desk duty for now. You can keep it a while longer?" I half state and half tell her.

"Do you think you're ready?" My Lieutenant asks me.

"God you sound like my shrink." I tease, playfully rolling my eyes. "Yes I'm ready. I promise."

"Ok, then it's yours, you should have it with you." Olivia tells me before standing and making her way to her office door, effectively dismissing me.

"Oh and Amanda?" She says before opening the door.

"Yeah Liv." I answer.

"Stop texting me like that when we're at work, please. It's hard enough to keep my hands off of you as it is" She says with a smile before placing a quick kiss on my lips and opening the door and the blinds again.

I return to my desk with a bigger grin than when I entered my bosses office.

"Everything ok?" Fin asks as I sit down.

"Yeah, just getting my gun back." I answer him with a smile.

"And Liv needed to close the blinds for that?" He says with his eyebrow raised and a smirk playing at his lips. I just shrug before returning to my paperwork. Happy that things are finally starting to fall into place again.

* * *

And once again this story has a mind of its own. Hit review please guys. Thank you for the continued support ;) x


	21. Chapter 21

So here we are... this is the penultimate chapter. I could continue it through the whole of Amanda's recovery and healing but in all honesty I don't think I'd do it justice, so I'm not going to bother.

I just want to thank everyone for their continued support again. You guys have been awesome.

Enjoy!

* * *

Dr. Trinant had asked Amanda during her therapy session that morning whether she had told anyone about her abuse prior to her disclosure almost six weeks ago.

She had admitted it before. She remembers the first and only other time that she had ever shared her story of the abuse of her stepfather, like it was yesterday. In reality, it was twenty two years, sixty three days, three hours and twenty nine minutes ago exactly. A cold December lunchtime during eighth grade. December fourth to be exact.

 _Amanda had been summoned to her head of years office. A meeting that was to be held with her much older, short white haired mentor and the woman she looked up to, admired even. Miss Sheppard, her phys ed teacher. The woman she also had a major schoolgirl crush on._

 _The older women were getting nowhere fast with the young blonde girl, the older greying head of year eventually choosing to step out in a bid to get Amanda to open up to the younger teacher._

 _"Rollins. Your grades have slipped." Miss Sheppard had told her._

 _"I know." The young blonde girl had responded without even trying to cover._

 _"Why?" The very attractive phys ed teacher had asked her. The only response that Amanda could give was a shrug. "I know your mother is seriously ill, hospitalised, but your grades had been good so far this year, you seemed to be dealing with it. You had been a solid A student, until a month ago. Now all of a sudden you aren't doing your homework, you're barely scraping by. Your a D student at best." The older woman with long dark hair and brown eyes had told her._

 _"I, uh. I don't know." Amanda responded._

 _"I don't know isn't acceptable Rollins. I can't let this go, we're a prestigious academy. Your grades falling is unacceptable." The woman had continued to softly berate the young girl sat in her superiors old musty office. Once again Amanda hadn't answered, choosing to stare at the floor instead. Her fists clenched tightly at her sides, her body shaking. It wasn't that she didn't want to tell the teacher she trusted, it was more that she didn't know how to._

 _"Amanda." Miss Sheppard coaxed, placing her hand gently on the blondes shoulder, causing her to flinch and pull away quickly standing and backing away from the desk towards the door. "Ok, Ok, it's ok, but I can't help you if you don't tell me." The brunette had told her, standing from her desk and holding her hands up indicating that she didn't mean any harm or discomfort._

 _"I don't want my Nan to find out." Amanda had mumbled._

 _"She doesn't need to, I don't have to tell her. But you need to explain the sudden drop in your grades to me." The slightly older woman had told her._

 _"I can't." Amanda had said, tears suddenly threatening to spill from her tired blue eyes._

 _"Amanda, I can help you." Miss Sheppard had said._

 _"Promise me. Promise me you won't tell anyone?" The blonde has almost begged. Her shame was overwhelming, she needed to tell someone, she wanted to tell someone, she just didn't want the world to know._

 _"I promise." Her teacher had told her._

 _Long minutes of silence passed. Amanda's gaze trained on the wooden patterned floor beneath her feet. She could feel her teachers eyes on her, the intensity of it. Taking a deep breath, the young blonde girl steadied herself. She needed the calm to centre herself before she fully broke down._

 _"My stepfather has been touching me." She had said. Taking another deep breath, the shaking of her body intensifying at the final disclosure of her abuse._

 _"Touching you?" Miss Sheppard had asked, looking for confirmation of what she believed she was being told._

 _"Sexually." Amanda muttered, her voice barely above a whisper._

 _"Wait here." The teacher had said, moving towards the door in a hurry._

 _"Why? Where are you going?" Amanda had frantically asked._

 _"I need to tell someone." She had told Amanda._

 _"You promised." The blonde shouted. "You promised you wouldn't." Her tears now spilling over freely._

 _"This is a matter of your safety Amanda, I have to. By law." Miss Sheppard had told her apologetically. The blonde collapsing back into the chair she had previously occupied whilst her gym teacher hurried from the room._

"How did you feel about your teacher betraying your trust Amanda?" Dr. Trinant asked the blonde detective, pulling her back from the memory she had been replaying.

"I was pissed, scared. At first." Amanda answered, remembering her emotions clearly.

"Ok, and after?" The doctor asked.

"After I was relieved." She responded.

 _"Mandy." Her Nan and uncle greeted her as the young blonde girl exited the school gates heading for the bus home to her stepfather._

 _"Gran'ma, Uncle Mark, what are you doing here?" Amanda asked suspiciously._

 _"You're staying with me and your grandfather. I'm taking you home and then Mark is going to stay with you whilst your grandfather and I go and get your things from your Mama's" Her grandmother had told her, causing a massive sense of both relief and panic for the young blonde girl._

"So you felt panicked? Why?" The doctor asked her.

"I didn't know what my grandparents were going to say to my stepfather about me not coming home. I didn't know how he would react, I was terrified." Amanda told Dr. Trinant.

 _"Mandy, we're home." Her grandmother called from the bottom of the stairs._

 _"Gran'ma, is everything ok?" The young blonde girl asked._

 _"Everything is fine. Your stepfather said he couldn't look after your brother and sister without you though, so looks like the three of you are living here for now." The older woman beamed. Clearly happy to have her grandchildren safe._

 _"Ok." Amanda responded, throwing her arms around her Nan._

"Your grandparents took the three of you in, raised you like their own." Dr. Trinant confirmed for no one in particular.

"They did. And just over a month later, my mama had died and been cremated. I never had to see my stepfather again. Everyone, including me moved on. I gradually buried the trauma and everything was fine. Until that case." Amanda clarified.

"So you've been with people sexually since your stepfather?" The older woman asked.

"Plenty." Amanda answered, slightly ashamed of her previous actions.

"Why are you so nervous about taking that step with Olivia then?" The doctor asked.

"I guess it's because it's all fresh again? After my stepfather, it took years before I could let anyone touch me. Now it's all fresh in my head again and I'm scared I'll lash out, or have a flashback or get triggered." The blonde admitted.

"Ok, I understand the reservations you have, but do you not trust Olivia?" The older woman asked earnestly.

"With my life." Amanda responded without a hint of hesitation.

"And you know she'd never force you. I can see the connection you have with her but do you feel aroused when you're around her?" She asked, causing a blush to tint Amanda's cheeks, the blonde nodding in answer rather than using words. "Would Olivia stop if you needed to?"

"Without a second thought. I trust her." Amanda confirmed with conviction.

"I think you're holding back because you're scared, and that's ok, but I also think you need to trust both yourself and her. Amanda you've come a long way, even in the last six weeks. Keep trying to move forward. We are done for today. I'll see you next week Ok?" Dr Trinant told her, giving Amanda some things to think about, seriously think about.

* * *

It was early afternoon when Amanda left Dr. Trinant's office. She didn't much feel like she could go back to work and fully concentrate on her job right now. She clearly had a number of things she needed to address regarding her relationship with her boss. Preferably before the brunette got home that evening. After completing her usual ritual of sparking up a cigarette as soon as she leaves the therapists building, the blonde pulled out her phone and proceeded to text Olivia.

 **Liv, hey. Can I take the rest of the day off please? x**

It was an unusual request for the blonde, seeing as she nearly always wanted to get away from time alone by being submerged into whichever case the team were working at the time. But she needed this, she owed Olivia this.

The blondes phone began ringing in her hand, Olivia's name flashing across the screen.

"Hi Liv." The blonde greeted into the handset.

"Amanda are you ok?" Olivia asked nervously.

"I'm fine Liv. I just need a little alone time." Amanda told her. She knew what her girlfriend was probably thinking but she wasn't going to address it unless the brunette did.

"Where are you?" Olivia asked tentatively.

"Just left Trinant's office, heading home now." The blonde answered.

"Will you be there when I get home?" The older woman asked, her usually strong voice sounding mildly fragile.

"I will be. I promise. I just need to think about a few things the doc said to me today s'all" Amanda answered trying to reassure Olivia that she really was ok.

"Ok." Was the only response the blonde got.

"Liv, I love you." Amanda told her.

"Uh huh, ok." Olivia responded, causing Amanda to grin.

"You're not alone are you?" Amanda asked with a chuckle.

"No." The brunette confirmed.

"See you later."

"Bye Amanda." Olivia answered before ending the call.

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"How's our girl doing Liv?" Fin asked his boss and long standing friend from the seat he was situated in on the opposite side of her desk.

"She's doing well. She isn't coming back this afternoon though. Said she has some things to think about." Olivia told him, pondering what her blonde girlfriend had meant by that.

"Things like you're relationship?" Fin asked innocently and somewhat unfairly as his lieutenants mind was clearly preoccupied and not giving him the full attention she usually would.

"Maybe." Olivia responded, without looking away from her computer screen, until the sudden realisation of what fin had asked. "Wait, what did you ask?" Her eyes wide, and head shooting up to meet his gaze.

"Relax Liv, I've known you a long time remember. It's not an issue for me, so long as you're both happy." He told her, a certain amount of compassion in his tone as he spoke.

"How?" Olivia asked, bewilderedly.

"Her first day back, Amanda's phone was vibrating incessantly with text messages, then you called her into your office. You closed the blinds Liv, to give her her gun back." Fin replied with a chuckle.

"Oh god, was it that obvious?" Lieutenant Benson said with a groan.

"To me, yes. But only because Amanda is my partner, and I have known you for what feels like forever." The older man grinned.

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Hit review please guys ;) x


	22. Chapter 22

Sooooo... this is it, the final chapter.

Enjoy!

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Amanda walked, she walked for what felt like hours. Around Central Park, along the streets of Manhattan, lost in her thoughts. Thoughts of what it would be like to be fully intimate with her girlfriend, her exceptionally patient and caring girlfriend that had not once pushed her to take that final step in solidifying their relationship. She mulled over what Dr. Trinant has said, Amanda knew Liv would never push her too far, never make her uncomfortable, never take advantage of her. She knew Olivia saw the same horrors of the job as the blonde did, day in, day out. Deep down she knew she'd always be safe with her strong, caring and compassionate lieutenant. That didn't ease the concerns she had about her own readiness. But was she willing to try? Willing to take that step to try, for her girlfriend? Willing to risk the flashbacks and the triggering for Olivia?

Amanda knew she'd do just about anything for the woman she loved, and she knew Olivia would do anything for her. The brunette had proved it time and time again over the weeks. Amanda wanted Olivia on a sexual level. She'd felt it every day since the night before she returned to work, and even before then. The arousal pooling freely whenever the brunette was in her vicinity. The desire to take her girlfriend to the ultimate high and send her crashing over the edge at the forefront of her mind on a regular basis. She knew she wanted this, needed it even, if she could just quash her own fears long enough to give in to the animalistic urge and go with the situation.

Hours passed as she walked before finally heading home.

"Tonight" Amanda muttered to herself finally making the decision, now sat on the couch of the home she shared with her girlfriend.

"What's tonight?" Liv said from the kitchen doorway, startling the blonde.

"How long have you been stood there?" Amanda asked, her hand over her now pounding heart whilst ignoring Olivia's question as her blue eyes met her girlfriends dark brown pools.

"Long enough to know you were deep in thought." Olivia responded with a smirk of a smile before making her way towards the couch where her girlfriend was sat leaning against the arm. "Want to share what had those little worry lines on your forehead?" She asks with a chuckle, her finger grazing Amanda's forehead, before collapsing on the couch next to the blondes crossed legs.

"Mmmm, no. I don't want to share my thoughts." Amanda answers with a goofy grin, watching the look of confusion cross her girlfriends features before being replaced with her own crooked smile. Olivia's left eye squinting slightly as if she is trying to read the younger woman's mind through the look in her eyes, but getting nothing.

A comfortable silence fell between the two women, their eyes remaining locked. Amanda slowly moved from her position sat on the couch to straddle Olivia's thighs, placing a soft kiss on her lips, her arms draped over the brunettes shoulders. It was nothing unusual for them to be in that particular position, the blonde always preferring to be as close to her girlfriend as humanly possible once they had arrived home from the precinct in the evenings.

The two women exchanged slowly gentle kisses, their lips moving together in a sensual manner. Calmly reacquainting themselves with each other after spending the day unable to touch each other however they had wanted to. Compounded with the separation of not seeing each other at work after Amanda had taken the time she needed to think about her earlier therapy session.

"Did you have a good afternoon?" Olivia finally asked in a brief second that their lips weren't locked together.

"Mhm." Amanda responded before latching her lips back to her girlfriends, this time deepening their kiss by softly probing the older woman's mouth with her tongue. The strong slippery muscle ghosting across the brunettes bottom lip, seeking permission to be allowed entrance, an action Olivia readily gives in to, parting her lips to allow the intrusion.

Amanda's hands began to wander, moving across her girlfriends shoulders and down her arms, eventually landing on the older woman's hips. Softly tugging at her blouse to untuck it from her suit pants. The blondes hands automatically searching for the bare skin of her girlfriends waist. Her finger grazing the soft flesh, her thumbs gently stroking the soft olive skin in indistinguishable patterns. The action causing a moan to bubble deep within Olivia's throat.

"Amanda." Olivia groaned as the blonde broke their lip lock, her mouth tracing along the brunettes jaw to her ear. Hot, heavy breaths tickling the sensitive skin, causing goosebumps to erupt all over the older woman's body. "Amanda." Olivia warns again, her own control wavering near the point of no return.

The blonde unwilling removes her mouth from her girlfriends ear lobe, leaning back slightly to allow their eyes to connect in a heated, wordless exchange. Silently taking each other in for a few moments, dark brown eyes, darker than usual, filled with the unmistakable signs of arousal. Bright blue eyes, dialated with want.

"Liv." Amanda whines, her bottom lip sticking out slightly at having her ministrations halted.

"We need to stop." Olivia says, taking a steadying breath to attempt to calm herself before continuing. "If we don't stop now, we won't, and I don't want you to feel like you have to do this Amanda."

"Liv, I want this, I want you, naked, in our bed. Now." Amanda tells her, her voice several octaves lower than usual. A certain breathiness lacing her tone.

"There is no rush for us to take this step Amanda" Olivia tells her after long moments of contemplation. She doesn't want to stop her girlfriend from doing what she wants, but she also doesn't want Amanda to feel pressured.

"Do you not want to?" Amanda asks uncertainly, her voice cracking slightly as she climbs from her girlfriends lap to stand.

"No, I want to, god do I want to, but Amanda, please, I want you to be ready." The older brunette answers, grabbing Amanda's hand with her own before she can walk away.

"I'm ready, I want to." Amanda responds with confidence, gently biting on her bottom lip.

"Are you sure?" Olivia asks, needing the final confirmation that this is going to actually happen.

"Olivia, I swear to god, if you don't take me to bed, strip me naked and have your way with me right now, I'm going to take matters into my own hands." Amanda barks in mock annoyance, a sardonic smile on her face. Her words finally sparking her girlfriend into action.

Olivia all but trips over herself trying to stand up from the couch. Almost falling straight into her girlfriends arms before their lips can meet again, luckily she catches herself at the last second, her strong arms wrapping around the petite blondes waist and pulling their bodies flush together. Their lips crashing together in a heated kiss, the older woman carefully guiding their entangled bodies in the general direction of their bedroom. They collide with the walls and pieces of furniture on more than one occasion before they make it through the bedroom door, hands everywhere, groping cautiously but frantically over clothes. Somewhere along the way, Amanda had pushed Olivia's jacket from her shoulders, the garment now in a heap on the floor between the living room and their bedroom, along with both of their shoes. Their kiss breaking so that both women can look at each other, regarding each other with nothing but love, admiration, want, need.

"Amanda, tell me you're sure." Olivia almost begs.

"Ugh, Olivia, I promise you, I am sure." Amanda groans, her nimble fingers beginning to undo the buttons of her girlfriends blouse from the bottom up. Her fingertips brushing against toned flesh at the undoing of each plastic fastening, a shiver running right through the brunettes spine to her core. With the last annoying obstruction undone, Olivia's blouse falls open, revealing her toned abdomen and full breasts encased in a dark purple lace bra. Amanda's mouth watering at the freshly exposed, never before seen bare skin of the woman she loves. The blondes actions and reaction, the final confirmation that Olivia needs to affirm that Amanda really does want this.

Never moving her gaze from Amanda's eyes, Olivia trails her hands down the blondes arms to her belt buckle, slowly loosening the leather and sliding it from her old blue jeans before dropping it onto the floor, then resting her hands on her girlfriends hips. Amanda's hands grazing up and down Olivia's strong arms, her blouse sleeves sliding up slightly, before the blondes hands travel all the way to her shoulders, pushing the offending fabric away from her body and pulling it from the brunettes arms, leaving her stood in her suit pants and bra.

"Liv, I'm not going to break." Amanda tells her girlfriend, frustrated with the excruciatingly slow pace they are going.

"I know, but I don't just want this to be a quick fuck 'Manda, you mean too much to me, I love you, I want to show you so." Olivia tells her blonde detective with a soft smile, placing a soft kiss on her forehead, then on the end of her nose, before finally meeting her lips once more. Long tanned fingers finding the buttons of Amanda's plaid button down, dexterously undoing them one by one until her girlfriends shirt falls open. Olivia's palms lay flat on the pale milky flesh of Amanda's stomach, then trail up slowly, over firm perky breasts to ease her shirt from her shoulders. The contact of her girlfriends warm hands on her body causing Amanda to moan softly into her mouth. With the blondes shirt removed, Olivia's hands ghost over the unblemished skin of her girlfriends back, from the waistband of her jeans, all the way to her shoulders and back down, repeating the motion as their lips continue their sensual connection.

Breaking their kiss, stood in the middle of their bedroom floor, both sets of hands move to the others trouser clasp, their eyes meeting to share a look of mutual consent. The buttons snapping open simultaneously, both women then lowering their own pants down long, muscular legs to the floor, stepping out of the fabric. Both women left in just their underwear, silently taking in the expanse of freshly exposed bare skin. Blue eyes taking in Olivia's toned olive body whilst the brunettes eyes rake over the blondes pale, perfect form appreciatively.

Neither woman says anything, both just taking the other in, until the desire to feel Olivia's skin overwhelms Amanda and she reaches out. The blondes right hand inching up her girlfriends side, tracing along the top of the swell of her left breast. Olivia's bottom lip pulled between her own teeth, desperate to keep the situation under control. Slow, calm, loving.

With Olivia's arms firmly wrapped around the smaller but equally strong frame of her girlfriend, she carefully guides them back towards the edge of their bed. The backs of Amanda's knees hit the bed, causing her to sit on the edge of the soft mattress, her face level with Olivia's torso. The blonde places soft, gentle kisses on the bare flesh in front of her, the brunettes hands resting on her shoulders for support. Amanda reaches around Olivia's back, easily releasing the clasp of her bra, allowing her girlfriends full voluptuous breasts exposure to the cool air surrounding them both, as she slides the fabric from Olivia's arms. Dark, dusky nipples hardening with the temperature change and arousal coursing through her body. Amanda is mesmerised by the fresh expanse of her girlfriends bare skin in front of her, staring freely, wantonly at the curvaceous body before her. Olivia regarding her with caution, looking for any signs of discomfort or pain. All the brunette can see in the blondes eyes though is love, love and desire, lust, want, need even.

Lifting Amanda's chin, to meet blue eyes with her own, the blonde begins to whine before Olivia places a single finger on plump pink lips to silence her girlfriend.

"You can gawk later 'Manda. I want to, uh, can I, uh, can I touch you?" Olivia asks nervously, the question causing a whimper to escape from Amanda's lips.

"Pl-please." Amanda stutters in response, her mouth suddenly dry, the liquid seemingly having to decided to migrate much further south.

"Scoot up the bed." Olivia suggests, the blonde sliding back without hesitation. Before lying down, she unsnaps her own bra clasp, launching the offending garment across the room.

Olivia lies down beside her girlfriend, both of them now adorned in nothing but their panties. The brunettes fingers drawing patterns on the blondes quivering stomach, the anticipation and electricity in the room palpable. The older woman nervous beyond comprehension, not because she's never been with a woman before, but because she wants this to be perfect for both of them. Her reservations about Amanda's readiness still at the front of her thoughts, even with a nearly naked Amanda lying beside her.

"You're sure about this Amanda?" The lieutenant whispers softly.

Amanda doesn't answer her, not verbally at least. Instead she turns on to her side to face her girlfriend, taking her hand in her own, guiding it between their bodies to the juncture between her thighs. Placing Olivia's trembling hand over the top of her now soaked panties then using her same hand to cup the brunettes face. The contact of the older woman's hand on Amanda's core causing both women to moan.

"I. Am. Sure." Amanda tells Olivia between kisses. "Are you sure?" The blonde suddenly asks, regarding her girlfriend.

"I am, if you are." Olivia mutters, her fingers twitching unconsciously against the soaking fabric of her girlfriends panties.

Amanda brings her lips to Olivia's once again, rolling them so that the older woman is on her back, the blonde led half over her, skin to skin. The younger woman's tongue probing with a renewed sense of urgency to taste the brunette. Olivia's hand now sandwiched, unable to move, between their bodies, providing a much firmer contact against Amanda's core. The blondes hands wandering the bare skin of the woman beneath her, exploring every inch of Olivia that she can reach with ease. Nimble pale palms softly squeezing full olive breasts, fingertips toying with dusky erect nipples. Moans beginning to spill freely between them.

Breaking their lip lock, Amanda trails wet, sloppy, open mouthed kisses along Olivia's jaw, down her neck, sucking her pounding pulse point between plump pink lips. The new sensation causing the brunette to arch her back, a fresh trickle of arousal pooling in her own panties. Releasing the brunettes neck from between her lips, Amanda continues to kiss her way across Olivia's collarbone, down her chest and sternum before sucking her right nipple into her mouth. The older woman once again arching her back, looking for any kind of friction against her core, whilst also trying to maintain the control required to take this slowly.

"'Manda." Olivia moans, the only response she gets from the blonde is a bearing down of her teeth lightly against the protruding bud currently occupying her mouth, before soothing it with her tongue and releasing it with a pop. Promptly repeating the same action with Olivia's left nipple. Amanda's hips roll slowly, barely even noticeably, looking for more stimulation against her throbbing core. Needing the release more than she could ever have imagined possible.

"Up." The older woman manages to force out, prompting her girlfriend to sit back on her knees, Olivia sitting to join her. Her fingers hooking under the elastic of lace panties, her eyes locked with deep blue pools looking for consent. Amanda unable to speak, her chest heaving, gives her girlfriend a nod and a soft loving smile before the brunette lowers the only item between her and the blondes most intimate area. The younger woman's panties gone, leaving her completely bare, revealing neatly trimmed blonde curls and a silky glistening arousal of Amanda's own between her legs.

Pushing Olivia to lie back down softly, Amanda slowly runs her finger along the top of the older woman's panties, tickling the crease between her hips and lower stomach, before sliding dexterous fingers below the hem. Olivia lifts her hips slightly, allowing the blonde the room she needs to remove the last barrier between the two women with ease.

Taking in the naked beauty beneath her, Amanda drags her gaze up the toned, unblemished skin of her girlfriend to meet her gaze. Giving her a crooked smile, before launching herself back on top of the now naked woman. Their lips crashing together in a searing kiss. Hands wandering bare skin freely. Amanda's hands once again finding Olivia's breasts, whilst the older woman's hands find her girlfriends muscular behind. Squeezing the firm buttocks, pulling Amanda impossibly closer to her. The blondes soaking core grinding against Olivia's strong thigh.

Releasing Olivia's breasts from her grasp, Amanda shifts slightly, propping herself up on her left elbow giving herself just enough room to trace the contours of her girlfriends body towards the older woman's twitching centre. Her fingers eliciting a torrent of moans, shudders and groans from the brunette.

Less than a second before her fingers come into contact with the silky heated folds of her girlfriend, Amanda stops her hand. Removing it all together before moving to sit between Olivia's legs, taking the brunettes hand and prompting her to sit up.

"I want to be able to see you." Amanda says huskily, her voice several octaves lower than usual, sensing the sudden confusion rolling off of Olivia.

With Amanda sat between her legs, naturally Olivia's are wide open to accommodate the blonde. Once the brunette is sat up her own arms resting on Amanda's shoulders, the younger woman places her legs over the top of her girlfriends, leaving her own legs also wide open and her body exposed, her hands on her girlfriends waist. The older woman's eyebrow raised at the position they are currently in.

Sliding her left hand from Olivia's waist, to her lower back, Amanda trails her right hand between their bodies, not hesitating for a second as her middle finger dips between her girlfriends glistening folds for the first time. Olivia's back arching subconsciously at the much anticipated feeling, her bottom lip firmly between her teeth. Mirroring Amanda's actions, all the while holding eye contact, long slender fingers find their way to the neatly trimmer blonde curls at the apex of her girlfriends thighs, before venturing further south, grazing Amanda's throbbing bundle of nerves before dipping into the silky arousal seeping from her core. The tell tales signs of orgasm beginning to building in the pit of both women's stomachs.

Both women continue their slow, teasing exploration of newly found territory, fingers gliding through folds, grazing each other's clitoris with every stroke, until Amanda's finger dips lower, softly probing Olivia's entrance, then sliding in with ease. The brunettes mouth opening and eyes closing at the very welcomed intrusion, before the blonde slides her finger out and replaces it with two. The additional digit causing a fresh round of moans to erupt from deep within the older woman's throat. Taking a chance, Olivia copies her girlfriends actions with her own fingers. Both women pumping their digits at a steady pace into the others heated entrance.

"Liv." Amanda gasps, her own orgasm very fast approaching. "Look at me." She finally managed to force out between heaving breaths.

Amanda adjusts the angle of her wrist, curling her fingers and easily hitting the soft spongy skin inside of her girlfriend, her walls quivering around the blondes fingers. Noticing the signs of her girlfriends impending high, Olivia's thumb shifts to graze against the younger woman's aching member. The additional stimulation sending both women head first into the most emotionally intense orgasm either of them has ever experienced.

Chests heaving, fingers buried deep inside the other, eyes locked, skin shiny with sweat. Both women regard the other with an entirely new sense of admiration. A new level of understanding settling between them.

Slowly, Olivia removes her fingers from inside of Amanda, the blonde whimpering at the sudden emptiness, before removing her own fingers from inside of her girlfriend. The blonde smirking before sucking her fingers clean of Olivia's juices.

"Come here." Olivia finally manages to say, having needed a few minutes to find her voice. The brunette lies down, guiding Amanda to snuggle into her side. Covering them both with the covers. "Are you Ok?" Olivia asks cautiously.

"Better than ok. I love you." Amanda tells her honestly, placing a soft kiss against Olivia's jaw.

"You know, they say that love is forever, right?" Olivia tells Amanda thoughtfully.

The blonde woman moves her head slightly to look into the dark brown eyes of the woman she has fallen in love with even through everything before she finally speaks.

"Your forever is all that I need."

 **The End**

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Well, this has been a ride and a half and I just want to sincerely thank everyone that has read, followed, favorited and reviewed this story. At times you are all that kept me going with this. I hope to hell I have done the ending and the story as a whole some justice :) x


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